tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52281106132311927182024-03-06T11:09:19.738-08:00To infertility and beyondMy path to babe in arms or bust!TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-29893457577638826012012-02-24T05:47:00.001-08:002012-02-24T05:51:00.269-08:00Day 3 of a brand new cycleWell folks, here I am again. Day 3 of a new cycle. Third attempt.<br /><br />I'm not going to lie. I am just going through the motions with this cycle. I know I should be positive, and you will all be great at supporting me and cheering me on, but I feel like I have nothing else to give of myself to this.<br /><br />I am just getting over the flu (well maybe it was a bad cold) so I'm feeling pretty run down. <br /><br />I was on the birth control pill for three months prior to this cycle. The good news is that it did calm my endo down, so if I don't get pregnant and finally throw down the towel with this whole getting pregnant thing, I will probably go back on it and at least have some relief with that.<br /><br />My RE has me on 300 IU Gonal F, and 150 IU Menopur. Here's a shot of my meds for this cycle. The new company that took over my old one doesn't cover fertility meds. Cha-ching! $500 a day into my belly while stimming. <br /><br /><br /><center><a href='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/show_photo.php?p=12/02/24/590.jpg'><img src='http://photo.blogpressapp.com/photos/12/02/24/s_590.jpg' border='0' width='281' height='210' style='margin:5px'></a></center><br /><br />Got to get to work. Miss you ladies... :)<br /><br />xoxo<br /><br />TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-30764430884443283222011-07-26T14:24:00.000-07:002011-07-26T14:24:23.882-07:00Goddaughter and other birthsWow, I haven't updated in a while! SORRY! Warning, there is talk of infant loss in this post.<br />
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My goddaughter was born on July 6 at 4:14 PM. She is perfect. We finally got the call at around 5:30 PM and we immediately went to the hospital to meet her. Mom was tired and groggy after the surgery. We were the only family that they allowed to visit that night.<br />
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T is adorable. While Mom slept and Dad went to make a round of phone call and emails, I got to hold her for an hour just mesmerized by how tiny she is and how easy it was to hold her. <br />
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We have seen them about once a week since then. She is mostly on formula because my sister-in-law is having problems with her milk. My brother-in-law sends me the cutest photos every day of her. I am in complete love with her!<br />
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Almost a week later, my DEAREST friend S gave birth. S has had a rough time of it, having suffered from infertility for years. She is my rock. Baby J is here and I cannot be more thrilled to have him in my life too!<br />
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Finally... some sad news. My other 'rock' friend miscarried. This was her fourth and final IVF. As much as I am ecstatic for the two babies born in July breathing their first breath, I am shattered that my friend was not so lucky. They will not be trying again. Journey over.<br />
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Three babies born this month. I love them all.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-46189943083167925962011-07-05T10:13:00.000-07:002011-07-05T10:13:08.479-07:00The wellMy husband's brother wife was due four days ago, and she just found out 2 days ago that the baby is breech! So she is going to go in for a C-section tomorrow. <br />
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Everything is fine except for her positioning, but I would still appreciate it if everyone can keep us in their thoughts!<br />
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Last night, I chatted with my sister-in-law about all things baby. After I got off the phone with her, I was talking to a dear-to-my-heart friend online and that's when the waterworks started.<br />
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I used to feel guilty about crying at another's happiness. I've since come to realize that these feelings are valid. I am simply expressing my deepest desire to have a child. Their successes, their babes are just a reminder to me of my own failures. <br />
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I hadn't had a good cry in a while. It felt good and I felt 100% better afterwards. I am hoping that I have gotten it out of my system, so when I meet my goddaughter for the first time tomorrow I will have only extreme tears of happiness and joy to be a part of her life.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-28152056313555343462011-07-02T10:01:00.000-07:002011-07-05T10:07:25.936-07:00Protocol for IVF #1Went in for my Day 3 blood work and ultraound and FINALLY got my protocol!<br />
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- Marvelon (birth control pill) for 21 days<br />
- Gonal F 300 IUI and Menopur 150 for at least 4 days starting Day 3 (Day 1 for the cycle will be July 27)<br />
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Very very excited. After 4 years of trying this is finally happening!<br />
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I also got notice of our first payment... $1800 for the Embryology Laboratory Fee. I think this is only for patients with some government funding. Since both my tubes were blocked, the government pays for a portion of the IVF. Every little bit helps...!TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-13629664087452528442011-06-30T11:22:00.000-07:002011-06-30T11:22:22.521-07:00Day 1So AF is finally here!<br />
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I can't believe I'm on the road to my first IVF cycle. Just called in for my Day 1.<br />
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I can't wait to get my protocol! I think it's bcp this month, but I will find out I suppose when I go in Day 3 (if that is in fact what they want me to do).TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-38992083822349630892011-06-24T10:27:00.000-07:002011-06-24T10:27:38.432-07:00MooHappy to see so many visitors from ICLW! I love reading your comments. I didn't post yesterday so I am going to make it up for it today :)<br />
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One of the things that I have found with DHEA is my skin tingles. Specifically the bottom part of my face. I keep thinking maybe the hair follicles are starting to get restless. One of these days I'm going to scare myself by looking in the mirror! Of course, maybe this is just the result of looking at side effects online and then having phantom reactions. In any case, J has been notified :)<br />
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My wheatgrass shipment arrived yesterday in a cool looking container. It was a PAIN to take the frozen cubes out of the pack. The best I can describe it is that it came in a plastic bag ice cube tray. The directions say that you can just twist the bag a few times, and then while the bag is still closed grasp the two sides of the bag and pull and all the cubes of wheatgrass will separate nicely. Uhmm.... no. I ended up with wheatgrass juice all over the place. In the end I just cut open the bag and put it into another one. They did give a video on how to do this 'easily' so maybe I will watch it and see if that helps next time :)<br />
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The stuff tastes like grass. No big surprise - and it's not too bad. I am going to drink it one ounce of it every morning. <br />
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I am still waiting for AF. Day 30 today (usually I'm 28 or 29 days). I am also feeling a bit nauseous in the morning. Can you believe my friend (who I love dearly, she is now pregnant after her 4th try at IVF) asked me if I've peed on a stick yet? I've heard of miracle babies and all but I really don't think that is in my cards with getting my tubes tied last month! I am an optimist, but a realist :)TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-82588269233384839002011-06-21T14:29:00.000-07:002011-06-21T14:33:37.900-07:00Welcome IComLeavWe'ers!It's another IComLeavWe. This is my second time participating, and to be honest my heart wasn't really into it and I did a poor job.<br />
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Not this time! Now we have a plan, my surgery was done, and all I have to do is wait for AF to arrive. I really feel like a baby is within arms reach.<br />
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I ordered 200 frozen wheatgrass cubes from a local naturopath today. Final total = $202. I had every intention of growing and juicing it myself but it's just not going to happen. I am really hoping that this will help lower my FSH. <br />
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I also have been taking <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dehydroepiandrosterone" target="new">DHEA</a>, a steroid. Fingers crossed that (a) it lowers my FSH and (b) I don't lose all my hair and get acne! Let me tell you, my libido is UP. Really good thing, because my husband is not complaining. That could change, of course if I turn into a balding, acne prone, deep voiced, hairy chinned wife. <br />
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The other downside is that I won't be able to compete in the Olympics. Another hope dashed!<br />
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Fingers crossed that they will do bloodwork and ultrasound on my Day 3 so I can see if my FSH has indeed gone down. I don't expect it to, but I'm really hoping to see a difference.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-23263542583828437662011-06-15T13:34:00.000-07:002011-06-15T13:34:11.781-07:00Can hopes and dreams come true?I had my followup appointment with my surgeon (an RE) today. While she is not my RE, she works at the same clinic. <br />
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She confirmed stage 4, and that I had tons of adhesions. My bowel was completely attached to my uterus. She separated them. There were tons of ovarian cysts too, she left those as per my instructions because I did not want to compromise any more ovarian reserve. Drained the fluid in my hydrosalpinges, and then clipped them. <br />
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And then she told me that since my RE was in the office, she would just be back to see if we could start my first IVF cycle next month. :cheer:<br />
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So it's official... I call in with my day one. I am about 2 weeks away I think. From there, they will put me on the pill for one cycle to try to calm down my endometriosis. The following day one will be my official cycle where we try for as many eggs as possible!<br />
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Definitely what I was hoping for, and I wanted to hug my surgeon for bringing this up so I didn't have to. <br />
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She also gave me a copy of my OR report, and showed me some photos that she took on her iPhone of the screen :lol:<br />
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So yeah, extremely excited about it. I really hope I am 'lucky' and it works the first time.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-13995661804495417072011-06-01T08:24:00.000-07:002011-06-01T08:24:53.108-07:00And I thought AF was a b!tch before...When I left the hospital, the doctor gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3s. I filled it, knowing I wasn't going to use them but thought 'just in case'.<br />
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I'm glad I did. While I didn't use them immediately after my surgery, AF is here and fiercer than ever. <br />
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It is a completely different type of pain. It's like someone has their foot on my crouch, and is yanking my ovaries down and out. Tug, tug, yank.<br />
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I bared the pain for a couple of days and then gave up and took the T3s.<br />
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Really really hoping this is not going to be added to my monthly gift. I don't know if I can deal with the endo pain on top of this.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-9727124061801556142011-05-31T14:35:00.000-07:002011-05-31T14:35:08.407-07:00Back in the real worldSo it's been a month since I have posted here. I really kinda dumped everyone and everything in my life - probably more as an escape because that is what I do to deal with things.<br />
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My surgery was May 3. I'm assuming it went well - I say this because my doctor didn't stick around to talk to me after. She spoke briefly to J, and told him 'no wonder she had so much pain, it was a mess in there' and confirmed that she clipped my tubes. My follow up is on June 14. <br />
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I cried after waking up. I knew it was going to be hard to have this surgery, and there I was, in bed, groggy, and minus a very important (albeit broken) part of me.<br />
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I was lucky that I got approved for four weeks off of work. The first two weeks were all about recuperating. I stayed home, on the couch. Well enough to get up and do my own thing after four days. <br />
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Having such surgery right before Mother's Day was kinda stupid. The day is hard enough already, and if I could have taken a drug that would have knocked me out for a week, I would have. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, think about my stupid tubes or my stupid ovaries or my f!@#ing endometriosis. <br />
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The next two weeks I was better. I stayed home, on the couch. But I was better emotionally. I just needed those weeks to grieve.<br />
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In the weeks I was off, I got two pregnancy announcements. One is a friend who has tried IVF four times. The other was a gloater.<br />
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I can't wait to give the first a huge big hug, and I am avoiding the second like the plague.<br />
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Have so much to say but will post tomorrow.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-90510472236107627332011-04-25T09:56:00.000-07:002011-04-25T09:56:58.877-07:00I am the infertile elephant in the roomThe holidays are tough with my sister-in-law being pregnant. And I am PMSing so this is going to be a pity party post.<br />
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Of course I oohed and aahed at the sight of her beautiful 30-week bump, perfectly round. She's horrified she weighs so much now (which incidentally is my current weight). HORRIFIED.<br />
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When each guest arrived, the attention peaked to a fever pitch. Her due date is the same as your daughter's birthday? Uncanny. My plans for July 1st... I will be barren. Stripped of parts like some beaten old jalopy.<br />
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I am not a selfish person, but there is only so much I could take and I had to walk away from most of these conversations as they started.<br />
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Sometimes I would walk a few steps and join the older women on the other side of the kitchen and help them with dinner. Other times I'd cross the room to the living room and join the men watching the hockey game.<br />
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I hate standing out, and I felt like the infertile elephant in the room. I don't expect them to NOT have these conversations because it is a joyful time - I just couldn't be present for every one of them.<br />
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We have started to make plans for her shower. It will be a joint co-hosting gig between J's aunt and myself (as the loving godmother). The good thing is that as co-host I am sure I will be really busy running around, hopefully limiting the 'why aren't you pregnant yet' comments from the other women (many who I only see at family weddings). <br />
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I am already thinking about self-medicating. I haven't decided between acupuncture, alcohol, chamomile tea or Rescue Remedy!TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-55316848474634309742011-04-20T11:11:00.000-07:002011-04-20T11:11:38.862-07:00Back relaxed and refreshedI am back from my vacation. It was a wonderful time. I don't think I've walked so much in my life. Crepes and croissants for breakfast... Baguettes for lunch... Out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Yes, I totally threw out my non-gluten non-dairy diet out the window and you know what? No pain at all.<br />
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DH thinks it's because I don't exercise enough. This could be it. It was also the relatively calm point of my cycle. <br />
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I am going to exercise like crazy this next 1.5 weeks before my surgery. Treadmill and maybe a few runs outside with the dog.<br />
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Oh, and cross one thing off the bucket list. The picnic lunch was wonderful, and one of the best lunches we had while we were there.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-58035833864747786592011-04-05T13:59:00.000-07:002011-04-05T14:03:54.088-07:00My favourite place in the worldI'm going to Paris. On Saturday!<br />
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I booked it last week. The sudden trip was spurred on by a brunch at a French bistro (I almost pulled a Meg Ryan it was that good) AND my <a href="http://wannamama.blogspot.com/2011/03/official-bucket-list.html" target=new>bucket list</a> (which has two things on it that I can do in Paris).<br />
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J and I will have a picnic lunch in front of the Eiffel Tower, with wine, cheese, fresh baguettes and other tasty morsels. I am going to save the cooking course in France item for later on, because I'd rather take a more intensive course than a 2 hour course geared towards tourists. And besides, it means I -have- to go back, right?<br />
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I have been busy planning the trip. Trying to stick to the two things a day so we can spend the rest of the day wandering around... but it is hard not to try to pack as many things as possible.<br />
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The surgery is the farthest thing from my mind right now... for I am about to fly to my favourite place in the world with the man that I love!<br />
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Ironically, I once told people after my first trip to Paris 2 years ago that if I ever had to run away, they would find me in Paris. <br />
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On this trip, I am not running away... I am enjoying life. And where else to experience joie de vivre than in Paris.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-80850175240490726222011-03-30T14:10:00.000-07:002011-03-30T14:10:25.112-07:00PainThe real squeamish may want to skip this entry.<br />
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I think I know why my period is late... A yeast infection.<br />
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I did not realize that a yeast infection can delay your period. But apparently it can.<br />
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Some of this stuff might be TMI for you. Although, if you also suffer from infertility, no doubt you are used to talking about this stuff!<br />
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I checked this morning to see if I could spot any blood, but I could tell I am starting to get a yeast infection. I haven't had one in years.<br />
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I also checked my cervix position, and it is far back.<br />
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Unfortunately I don't think my cervix appreciated the intrusion. Within minutes I began to cramp.<br />
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I've never really tried to describe any of the pain that I feel, but it is probably important to try to describe it. <br />
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I cannot help but hunch over. I feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen, as if my ovaries were suddenly filled with rocks. <br />
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The cramps ooze from this area all the way up to my belly button. I feel bloated and fat.<br />
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My back hurts. Some days I feel like someone is shoving a thick needle into my lower spine. Today it feels like a spiky rod is being jammed up my spine. The pain ends just below my shoulder blades but is worse at the bottom.<br />
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I did come into work for an important meeting. The meeting is done, and I am going home!<br />
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AF has finally arrived. I am happy to see her, which is weird after three years of not wanting to see her.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-79490985973558722182011-03-29T12:30:00.000-07:002011-04-20T11:12:20.623-07:00Official bucket listThis will get updated as I add more and more things on here!<br />
<ol><li>Learn how to sew and make my own blouse. (03/11)</li>
<li>Learning how to train or foster care of seeing eye dogs/rescue dogs. Need to do this with one dog. (03/11)</li>
<li>Visit all the continents. Layover doesn't count. Africa Antarctica <strike>Asia</strike> Australia <strike>Europe</strike> <strike>North America</strike> South America (03/11)</li>
<li>Volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months abroad. (03/11)</li>
<li>Swim in a shark cage. (03/11)</li>
<li>See the Northern Lights. (03/11)</li>
<li>Participate in the Tomatina fight in Spain. (03/11)</li>
<li>Do a CN Tower stair climb for charity (something I've done once and said I'd never do again). (03/11)</li>
<li>Get a makeover. Hair, makeup, attire! (03/11)</li>
<li><strike>Picnic lunch in Paris with J.</strike> (03/11) DONE April 2011</li>
<li>Take a baking/cooking course in France. (03/11)</li>
<li>Go to Comic-Con. (03/11)</li>
</ol>TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-89367570251139996072011-03-29T08:31:00.000-07:002011-03-29T08:31:14.772-07:00A new dayJust wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments, thoughts, and prayers for me.<br />
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The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.<br />
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I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.<br />
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If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.<br />
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I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for. <br />
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What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?<br />
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Food and retail therapy.<br />
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First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really. <br />
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J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.<br />
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Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet. <br />
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Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.<br />
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With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.<br />
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And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-50204176714988101882011-03-25T13:32:00.000-07:002011-03-25T13:32:50.483-07:00Surgery cancelledI'm supposed to be groggy and drugged up and in pain writing this blog entry to let you know things went well, and I'm on the next step of this crazy infertility journey.<br />
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Instead, my tubes live another day.<br />
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In the end, after 3.5 hours in the waiting room with my gown and booties on, the doctor came to get me. Great, I thought - let's get this show on the road!<br />
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She took us to a room and started out by saying "I have some bad news for you" and I said "Oh, someone told us already." And she said, "Someone told you the surgery has been cancelled?"<br />
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Cue the jaw drop.<br />
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Of course, I thought she was going to tell me about the BFN. Nope. No surgery for me.<br />
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J immediately handed me a Kleenex because he knew what was about to happen. I saw the doctor glance to see what he was doing. She continued on her apology that there was someone that urgently needed the surgery room early in the morning, which bumped back all the patients and bumped me OFF the list for today.<br />
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I managed to get out "OK, I understand, of course" before the tears started pouring down my face.<br />
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She said she would bump another one of her patients for me for her next surgery date... May 2nd. One month away.<br />
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I know she really felt bad. She left. I cried in J's arms.<br />
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When I left the room and went back to get dressed, the nurses were all apologetic. I'm pretty sure the doctor told them how upset I took the news. Even if they didn't, I'm sure they could see it on my face.<br />
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J and I continued to take the day off. We went and had lunch. We went to the mall hand in hand and window shopped. I called my parents and my boss to tell them the change in plans.<br />
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And so here I am, now at home, the same as when I left home this morning. It has been a roller coaster of a ride today, with the BFP expired sticks, BFN blood test, and then the cancelled surgery.<br />
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Through it all - no AF. I am pretty sure she will come tonight with a vengeance and make it a trifecta of really crappy things to happen today.<br />
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Going to nap now. Thanks for listening - it really does help to get everything out in writing.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-33382269649713260862011-03-25T07:46:00.001-07:002011-03-25T13:33:49.136-07:00BFN and surgery delayedSo it's a BFN for me. What I thought. J is going to toss them all out straight to the garbage can when we get home since I have tests splayed out everywhere in the bathroom.<br />
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I am OK and in still good spirits (but did you really have to so that to me, cruel world?)<br />
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The nurse just came up to me... The patient scheduled before me at 9 is just going in now. So... Delayed for two hours. Greaaaat.<br />
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhoneTJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-67879447441597512002011-03-25T07:05:00.001-07:002011-03-25T07:05:39.449-07:00Bloodwork done and waiting30 min until surgery. They did bloodwork so I will know for sure soon. <br /><br />Just waiting. Still mentally prepared for surgery because I still think it's a false positive. If you don't hear from me for a few hours you know I'm right!<br /><br />Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.<br /><br /><br />- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone<br />TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-12880249560242969982011-03-25T05:24:00.001-07:002011-03-25T05:24:26.600-07:00LovelyAF has not arrived.<br /><br />I only have expired pregnancy tests at home, ones that I have inherited from happy pregnant folk who needed not to POAS anymore. They are expired because we've been trying for three years. <br /><br />I used my last Internet cheapie on Wednesday.<br /><br />I peed on a First Response one... No lines at all (not even a control one).<br /><br />I peed on another First Response one... BFN.<br /><br />I peed on a Clearblue one... Positive. Two lines. BFP!<br /><br />I peed on another FR... BFN.<br /><br />I peed on another Clearblue... BFP.<br /><br />I am in the car on the way to the hospital. I am late and stuck in traffic and holding a little Tupperware full of FMU. I'm sure once I tell them this they will do a pregnancy test. In the meantime DH will buy sone tests from the pharmacy and I'll dip and wait.<br /><br />Someone has either a sense of humour or is incredibly cruel. <br /><br />Remember these are all on expired tests. By three years.<br /><br />Did I tell you I am late for my admitting appointment?<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone<br />TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-2447344674403379922011-03-24T11:06:00.000-07:002011-03-24T11:06:13.768-07:00Surgery is tomorrowTomorrow morning is my surgery. Good bye blocked tubes! Thanks for nothing. Feel free to let the door hit you on the way out.<br />
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I am off work for three weeks. This past week has been a whirlwind of trying to get things cleared off and ensuring my backup is trained and prepared.<br />
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I've been asked by a lot of people if I am nervous about the surgery. Nervous isn't the word I would use. I feel more anticipation. I am not looking forward to the first few days. I recall last time the anesthetic made me really nauseous (I almost hurled in the hospital lobby). This time I'm going to take a Gravol soon after I wake up once the nurses OK it. <br />
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J is off work on Friday and Monday to be my man servant, and then.... my parents will be over on Tuesday. <br />
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Yes, I broke down and told them. You may recall I had decided not to tell them about the surgery, because I knew they wouldn't be supportive.<br />
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I changed my mind when I was at their place on Saturday. When I broke the news, my mother immediately launched into her tirade on how I need to eat better/organic foods, and I broke down in tears. Like... broke DOWN. It was horrible. I was gasping for air. <br />
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The good news is that she snapped out of it and held me as I sobbed and cried like a two year old that had just stubbed her toe. Unfortunately, it took a crazy crying fit for them to realize that this is something I need to do. Plus it helped that the surgery was in a week's time and that I just sprung this on them.<br />
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It was a good bonding moment, and I think one we needed after our big fight a few weeks ago (where I also ended up in tears... see the pattern!)<br />
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Oh, and has anyone see my AF? No where to be seen. She is like clockwork, and she should have been here yesterday. I did take a pregnancy test yesterday and it was a BFN. I'm not a fool to think I am pregnant, but it's just annoying to not have her show up when I'm expecting it.<br />
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I'll try to post a quick little entry tomorrow night to let you know that I'm home.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-42101796687666616832011-03-17T20:53:00.000-07:002011-03-17T20:53:23.823-07:00Spoken word poetryToday as I was browsing YouTube I happened upon a clip of a man doing spoken word. He said a line that struck a chord in me - so much so that I had to rush here to get my thoughts down.<br />
<br />
<blockquote><i>Sometimes you have lose a part of you to find your whole self.<br />
</i></blockquote><br />
The poet was speaking of his battle with cancer. The piece is called "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBR0tNtnRxw" target=new>The Waiting Hour</a>". <br />
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In exactly seven days, I will be naked on an operating table getting my tubes clipped and possibly removed. I had this surgery scheduled in April of last year, but ended up canceling it a few weeks. Why? I was scared. I was angry that this was my only course of action. I was running away from reality. I thought two years of trying unsuccessfully wasn't enough, that I needed some time, that my tubes would work if I would only just give them a second chance.<br />
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I wasn't ready to lose a part of me. I see that now.<br />
<br />
I am no longer running away. In seven days, I will be losing a part of me but will gain a better chance that IVF will work. <br />
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If we do conceive through IVF, I will give life and gain a babe in arms. I will not lie to you. Having a baby will make me whole again.<br />
<br />
If we do not conceive through IVF, it will be devastating BUT I know that somewhere down the road, I will come to terms with it. Maybe not on a year, or even two. But I will find myself - babe or not.<br />
<br />
Living with infertility eats you up. I feel like my empty womb takes up 30% of my body, my mind, my soul. Regardless of the outcome, this surgery is the right step to finding myself, as a happy mother or a healed, childless woman.TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-9015967707126011132011-03-10T12:25:00.000-08:002011-03-10T12:25:38.273-08:00FSH, and IVF cycle in the worksI talked to a nurse at the clinic today and my FSH results are in for this cycle. They are at 9, which is at the very end of the normal range.<br />
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Unfortunately, they did not test for estradiol so it's hard to interpret these FSH results without the estradiol numbers. Grrrrr.<br />
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I have also read that FSH numbers vary from month to month, but that typically you are only as good as your highest number. <br />
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This test confirms that my ovarian reserve has diminished a lot since I did my last IUI a year ago.<br />
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Oh well - moving on. The good news is that I can start my IVF cycle if I have a normal period! I calculate my day one to be around April 21. Fingers crossed that it is normal so I can get this baby show on the road!TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-66698669006478783452011-03-09T08:13:00.000-08:002011-03-09T08:15:48.209-08:00Endometriosis Awareness MonthMarch is Endometriosis Awareness Month.<br />
<br />
So many of us suffer silently. I recall a time when I had male bosses and I felt that I had to make up excuses for being away from work. I never felt comfortable telling them that I had 'girl issues', that for a few days a month I'd be away from the office because I was writhing in pain at home. The male bosses in my past would have been very supportive regardless, but it was just something I didn't want to discuss with them.<br />
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The past two bosses have been women, and they know my issues well. I am lucky that they have both been understanding - especially since my endometriosis has steadily gotten worse.<br />
<br />
Endometriosis is the leading cause of infertility. That word has shattered my dreams. And I am not alone.<br />
<br />
Rather than hash out all of the details of the disease for those that do not know much about it, I'll paste a few links.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.endocenter.org/awarenessmonthPR2011.htm" target=new>Endometriosis Research Center's Endometriosis Awareness Month page</a><br />
<a href="http://www.cwhn.ca/node/40779" target=new>Canadian Women's Health Network's Endometriosis page</a><br />
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis" target=new>Wikipedia's Endometriosis page</a><br />
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And a few blog links of fellow endo sufferers.<br />
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<a href="http://thatgirlwithendo.blogspot.com/" target=new>That Girl With Endo</a><br />
<a href="http://endoandpcos.blogspot.com/" target=new>Life with Endometriosis and PCOS</a><br />
<a href="http://i-am-not-endo.blogspot.com/" target=new>My Journey With Endometriosis</a>TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5228110613231192718.post-89554262517817926292011-03-08T14:41:00.000-08:002011-03-08T14:41:28.884-08:00The startings of a bucket listI love lists. I get teased at work for having lists strewn about my desk. My to do lists have boxes beside their items, waiting for that tick mark to denote its completion. <br />
<br />
One that I am working on right now is my bucket list. What does this does have to do with my infertility? I really feel that I have put my life on hold completely for three years. I held myself financially hostage. Every penny I spent was a penny I was taking away from an IVF cycle. <br />
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This year I've decided to break out of that, and live a little. I think it will do me some good. <br />
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I need to work on some things that I can do locally while I wait for my surgery and subsequent IVF cycle. Many of my items are travel ones, since I love to travel. <br />
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I would love to learn how to sew. I am continually inspired by some of the amazing creations that I have seen coming from a few of you readers! I think I will take sewing lessons. <br />
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I would love to learn how to train a seeing eye dog or a search and rescue dog. Or at least somehow help in that process.<br />
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My travel ones off the top of my head are:<br />
- to go to Africa<br />
- to volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months<br />
- to go in a shark cage (yeah really)<br />
- to see the Northern Lights<br />
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I have less exotic places that I would like to go see but those four stand out.<br />
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I told J that he should make a bucket list too. He refuses to call it a bucket list on the basis that it makes him think about his death. I told him to call it a list that he needs to complete before he gets too old to do them. I'm not entirely sure that thrills him either!<br />
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Right away, he mentioned learning how to fence. I found a local academy that does instruction, and so I've purchased 8 private lessons + 6 group classes for him. He is really excited. I think he thinks this will make him into a Muskateer. I will have to get him a suitable outfit.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.themefancydress.com/ekmps/shops/online/images/musketeer-costume-with-shirt-trousers-boot-covers-hat-3961-p.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="400" width="300" src="http://www.themefancydress.com/ekmps/shops/online/images/musketeer-costume-with-shirt-trousers-boot-covers-hat-3961-p.jpg" /></a></div>TJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09719603907165336529noreply@blogger.com1