So it's been a month since I have posted here. I really kinda dumped everyone and everything in my life - probably more as an escape because that is what I do to deal with things.
My surgery was May 3. I'm assuming it went well - I say this because my doctor didn't stick around to talk to me after. She spoke briefly to J, and told him 'no wonder she had so much pain, it was a mess in there' and confirmed that she clipped my tubes. My follow up is on June 14.
I cried after waking up. I knew it was going to be hard to have this surgery, and there I was, in bed, groggy, and minus a very important (albeit broken) part of me.
I was lucky that I got approved for four weeks off of work. The first two weeks were all about recuperating. I stayed home, on the couch. Well enough to get up and do my own thing after four days.
Having such surgery right before Mother's Day was kinda stupid. The day is hard enough already, and if I could have taken a drug that would have knocked me out for a week, I would have. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, think about my stupid tubes or my stupid ovaries or my f!@#ing endometriosis.
The next two weeks I was better. I stayed home, on the couch. But I was better emotionally. I just needed those weeks to grieve.
In the weeks I was off, I got two pregnancy announcements. One is a friend who has tried IVF four times. The other was a gloater.
I can't wait to give the first a huge big hug, and I am avoiding the second like the plague.
Have so much to say but will post tomorrow.
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
A new day
Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments, thoughts, and prayers for me.
The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.
I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.
If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.
I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for.
What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?
Food and retail therapy.
First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really.
J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.
Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet.
Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.
With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.
And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!
The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.
I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.
If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.
I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for.
What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?
Food and retail therapy.
First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really.
J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.
Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet.
Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.
With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.
And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Surgery cancelled
I'm supposed to be groggy and drugged up and in pain writing this blog entry to let you know things went well, and I'm on the next step of this crazy infertility journey.
Instead, my tubes live another day.
In the end, after 3.5 hours in the waiting room with my gown and booties on, the doctor came to get me. Great, I thought - let's get this show on the road!
She took us to a room and started out by saying "I have some bad news for you" and I said "Oh, someone told us already." And she said, "Someone told you the surgery has been cancelled?"
Cue the jaw drop.
Of course, I thought she was going to tell me about the BFN. Nope. No surgery for me.
J immediately handed me a Kleenex because he knew what was about to happen. I saw the doctor glance to see what he was doing. She continued on her apology that there was someone that urgently needed the surgery room early in the morning, which bumped back all the patients and bumped me OFF the list for today.
I managed to get out "OK, I understand, of course" before the tears started pouring down my face.
She said she would bump another one of her patients for me for her next surgery date... May 2nd. One month away.
I know she really felt bad. She left. I cried in J's arms.
When I left the room and went back to get dressed, the nurses were all apologetic. I'm pretty sure the doctor told them how upset I took the news. Even if they didn't, I'm sure they could see it on my face.
J and I continued to take the day off. We went and had lunch. We went to the mall hand in hand and window shopped. I called my parents and my boss to tell them the change in plans.
And so here I am, now at home, the same as when I left home this morning. It has been a roller coaster of a ride today, with the BFP expired sticks, BFN blood test, and then the cancelled surgery.
Through it all - no AF. I am pretty sure she will come tonight with a vengeance and make it a trifecta of really crappy things to happen today.
Going to nap now. Thanks for listening - it really does help to get everything out in writing.
Instead, my tubes live another day.
In the end, after 3.5 hours in the waiting room with my gown and booties on, the doctor came to get me. Great, I thought - let's get this show on the road!
She took us to a room and started out by saying "I have some bad news for you" and I said "Oh, someone told us already." And she said, "Someone told you the surgery has been cancelled?"
Cue the jaw drop.
Of course, I thought she was going to tell me about the BFN. Nope. No surgery for me.
J immediately handed me a Kleenex because he knew what was about to happen. I saw the doctor glance to see what he was doing. She continued on her apology that there was someone that urgently needed the surgery room early in the morning, which bumped back all the patients and bumped me OFF the list for today.
I managed to get out "OK, I understand, of course" before the tears started pouring down my face.
She said she would bump another one of her patients for me for her next surgery date... May 2nd. One month away.
I know she really felt bad. She left. I cried in J's arms.
When I left the room and went back to get dressed, the nurses were all apologetic. I'm pretty sure the doctor told them how upset I took the news. Even if they didn't, I'm sure they could see it on my face.
J and I continued to take the day off. We went and had lunch. We went to the mall hand in hand and window shopped. I called my parents and my boss to tell them the change in plans.
And so here I am, now at home, the same as when I left home this morning. It has been a roller coaster of a ride today, with the BFP expired sticks, BFN blood test, and then the cancelled surgery.
Through it all - no AF. I am pretty sure she will come tonight with a vengeance and make it a trifecta of really crappy things to happen today.
Going to nap now. Thanks for listening - it really does help to get everything out in writing.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Surgery is tomorrow
Tomorrow morning is my surgery. Good bye blocked tubes! Thanks for nothing. Feel free to let the door hit you on the way out.
I am off work for three weeks. This past week has been a whirlwind of trying to get things cleared off and ensuring my backup is trained and prepared.
I've been asked by a lot of people if I am nervous about the surgery. Nervous isn't the word I would use. I feel more anticipation. I am not looking forward to the first few days. I recall last time the anesthetic made me really nauseous (I almost hurled in the hospital lobby). This time I'm going to take a Gravol soon after I wake up once the nurses OK it.
J is off work on Friday and Monday to be my man servant, and then.... my parents will be over on Tuesday.
Yes, I broke down and told them. You may recall I had decided not to tell them about the surgery, because I knew they wouldn't be supportive.
I changed my mind when I was at their place on Saturday. When I broke the news, my mother immediately launched into her tirade on how I need to eat better/organic foods, and I broke down in tears. Like... broke DOWN. It was horrible. I was gasping for air.
The good news is that she snapped out of it and held me as I sobbed and cried like a two year old that had just stubbed her toe. Unfortunately, it took a crazy crying fit for them to realize that this is something I need to do. Plus it helped that the surgery was in a week's time and that I just sprung this on them.
It was a good bonding moment, and I think one we needed after our big fight a few weeks ago (where I also ended up in tears... see the pattern!)
Oh, and has anyone see my AF? No where to be seen. She is like clockwork, and she should have been here yesterday. I did take a pregnancy test yesterday and it was a BFN. I'm not a fool to think I am pregnant, but it's just annoying to not have her show up when I'm expecting it.
I'll try to post a quick little entry tomorrow night to let you know that I'm home.
I am off work for three weeks. This past week has been a whirlwind of trying to get things cleared off and ensuring my backup is trained and prepared.
I've been asked by a lot of people if I am nervous about the surgery. Nervous isn't the word I would use. I feel more anticipation. I am not looking forward to the first few days. I recall last time the anesthetic made me really nauseous (I almost hurled in the hospital lobby). This time I'm going to take a Gravol soon after I wake up once the nurses OK it.
J is off work on Friday and Monday to be my man servant, and then.... my parents will be over on Tuesday.
Yes, I broke down and told them. You may recall I had decided not to tell them about the surgery, because I knew they wouldn't be supportive.
I changed my mind when I was at their place on Saturday. When I broke the news, my mother immediately launched into her tirade on how I need to eat better/organic foods, and I broke down in tears. Like... broke DOWN. It was horrible. I was gasping for air.
The good news is that she snapped out of it and held me as I sobbed and cried like a two year old that had just stubbed her toe. Unfortunately, it took a crazy crying fit for them to realize that this is something I need to do. Plus it helped that the surgery was in a week's time and that I just sprung this on them.
It was a good bonding moment, and I think one we needed after our big fight a few weeks ago (where I also ended up in tears... see the pattern!)
Oh, and has anyone see my AF? No where to be seen. She is like clockwork, and she should have been here yesterday. I did take a pregnancy test yesterday and it was a BFN. I'm not a fool to think I am pregnant, but it's just annoying to not have her show up when I'm expecting it.
I'll try to post a quick little entry tomorrow night to let you know that I'm home.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Spoken word poetry
Today as I was browsing YouTube I happened upon a clip of a man doing spoken word. He said a line that struck a chord in me - so much so that I had to rush here to get my thoughts down.
The poet was speaking of his battle with cancer. The piece is called "The Waiting Hour".
In exactly seven days, I will be naked on an operating table getting my tubes clipped and possibly removed. I had this surgery scheduled in April of last year, but ended up canceling it a few weeks. Why? I was scared. I was angry that this was my only course of action. I was running away from reality. I thought two years of trying unsuccessfully wasn't enough, that I needed some time, that my tubes would work if I would only just give them a second chance.
I wasn't ready to lose a part of me. I see that now.
I am no longer running away. In seven days, I will be losing a part of me but will gain a better chance that IVF will work.
If we do conceive through IVF, I will give life and gain a babe in arms. I will not lie to you. Having a baby will make me whole again.
If we do not conceive through IVF, it will be devastating BUT I know that somewhere down the road, I will come to terms with it. Maybe not on a year, or even two. But I will find myself - babe or not.
Living with infertility eats you up. I feel like my empty womb takes up 30% of my body, my mind, my soul. Regardless of the outcome, this surgery is the right step to finding myself, as a happy mother or a healed, childless woman.
Sometimes you have lose a part of you to find your whole self.
The poet was speaking of his battle with cancer. The piece is called "The Waiting Hour".
In exactly seven days, I will be naked on an operating table getting my tubes clipped and possibly removed. I had this surgery scheduled in April of last year, but ended up canceling it a few weeks. Why? I was scared. I was angry that this was my only course of action. I was running away from reality. I thought two years of trying unsuccessfully wasn't enough, that I needed some time, that my tubes would work if I would only just give them a second chance.
I wasn't ready to lose a part of me. I see that now.
I am no longer running away. In seven days, I will be losing a part of me but will gain a better chance that IVF will work.
If we do conceive through IVF, I will give life and gain a babe in arms. I will not lie to you. Having a baby will make me whole again.
If we do not conceive through IVF, it will be devastating BUT I know that somewhere down the road, I will come to terms with it. Maybe not on a year, or even two. But I will find myself - babe or not.
Living with infertility eats you up. I feel like my empty womb takes up 30% of my body, my mind, my soul. Regardless of the outcome, this surgery is the right step to finding myself, as a happy mother or a healed, childless woman.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Appointment with surgeon
I had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon yesterday. She was running 30 minutes behind, so I had some time to flip through the magazines in the waiting room. There was an ad in one of the fertility magazines for a place in Washington DC (Shady Grove Fertility Clinic) that has a donor egg program. Uhh... yeah it's expensive.
For one cycle, it's $30,500 if you want to use all of the cycle's eggs for yourself. If you share it, it would be $19,700 between two people or $17,800 between three. Egg totals = about 18. If you don't get pregnant... no refund.
Interestingly enough, you have the choice of buying 6 cycles, and if you don't get pregnant they will refund you your money back. Costs are $57,500/$42,000/$34,000.
We are so not at this stage (nor do I really think given the costs we would entertain this) but it is good information to know.
The appointment itself was good - my surgeon is great, and is part of the same fertility clinic as my doctor. The only reason why my doctor is not doing it is because we want to do the surgery ASAP and her colleague has some surgery time open. We discussed not doing anything else but the tubes, but she said that she may have to do some stuff to get at the tubes. She also asked if it wouldn't affect ovarian reserve, if she could remove the tubes and I said yes (since if we just leave the tubes in there, that horrible toxic fluid is still in my body).
The other bit of news that came out of my appointment is that she confirmed she would want me to have one cycle before I do IVF. Since I will be on or about my Day 2... I wonder if this means I need to wait another full cycle, or if I can start and the end of the current one? I will call and ask.
I requested that they do another FSH test on this cycle's Day 3. I haven't heard the results yet. I really really hope that the other test was a fluke, and that my levels are normal!
For one cycle, it's $30,500 if you want to use all of the cycle's eggs for yourself. If you share it, it would be $19,700 between two people or $17,800 between three. Egg totals = about 18. If you don't get pregnant... no refund.
Interestingly enough, you have the choice of buying 6 cycles, and if you don't get pregnant they will refund you your money back. Costs are $57,500/$42,000/$34,000.
We are so not at this stage (nor do I really think given the costs we would entertain this) but it is good information to know.
The appointment itself was good - my surgeon is great, and is part of the same fertility clinic as my doctor. The only reason why my doctor is not doing it is because we want to do the surgery ASAP and her colleague has some surgery time open. We discussed not doing anything else but the tubes, but she said that she may have to do some stuff to get at the tubes. She also asked if it wouldn't affect ovarian reserve, if she could remove the tubes and I said yes (since if we just leave the tubes in there, that horrible toxic fluid is still in my body).
The other bit of news that came out of my appointment is that she confirmed she would want me to have one cycle before I do IVF. Since I will be on or about my Day 2... I wonder if this means I need to wait another full cycle, or if I can start and the end of the current one? I will call and ask.
I requested that they do another FSH test on this cycle's Day 3. I haven't heard the results yet. I really really hope that the other test was a fluke, and that my levels are normal!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Surgery date is set
My surgery date is set for March 25. I was actually thinking about delaying it to April and getting my fertility specialist to do it, but I've come to the conclusion that there might be a small part of me that thought that out of avoidance.
I've decided to just go ahead with the original date. At first I was thinking that I wanted more time to try naturally before clipping my tubes and being done with natural fertility forever. And then I snapped back to reality. After three years, do I really need a few more months? I have just been fooling myself. My tubes are blocked. If I do get pregnant, there is a high chance that I will have an ectopic pregnancy, and that would just be awful. So bye bye tubes!
The doctor that will perform the surgery is from the same fertility clinic, and although I have yet to meet her, I'm sure she will be just fine to clip my tubes. I know someone that works at the hospital and she has nothing but good things to say about her, so that is good news.
I had a wonderful weekend including a dinner with my dear friend Sarah from The Rocky Road to Motherhood (who I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about since I talk about her every other post!) How can I not be hopeful for the future when I see her growing belly? She dusted me with baby dust and a belly rub, because that was done to her the month before she did her successful IVF.
I've decided to just go ahead with the original date. At first I was thinking that I wanted more time to try naturally before clipping my tubes and being done with natural fertility forever. And then I snapped back to reality. After three years, do I really need a few more months? I have just been fooling myself. My tubes are blocked. If I do get pregnant, there is a high chance that I will have an ectopic pregnancy, and that would just be awful. So bye bye tubes!
The doctor that will perform the surgery is from the same fertility clinic, and although I have yet to meet her, I'm sure she will be just fine to clip my tubes. I know someone that works at the hospital and she has nothing but good things to say about her, so that is good news.
I had a wonderful weekend including a dinner with my dear friend Sarah from The Rocky Road to Motherhood (who I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about since I talk about her every other post!) How can I not be hopeful for the future when I see her growing belly? She dusted me with baby dust and a belly rub, because that was done to her the month before she did her successful IVF.
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