Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Goddaughter and other births

Wow, I haven't updated in a while! SORRY! Warning, there is talk of infant loss in this post.

My goddaughter was born on July 6 at 4:14 PM. She is perfect. We finally got the call at around 5:30 PM and we immediately went to the hospital to meet her. Mom was tired and groggy after the surgery. We were the only family that they allowed to visit that night.

T is adorable. While Mom slept and Dad went to make a round of phone call and emails, I got to hold her for an hour just mesmerized by how tiny she is and how easy it was to hold her.

We have seen them about once a week since then. She is mostly on formula because my sister-in-law is having problems with her milk. My brother-in-law sends me the cutest photos every day of her. I am in complete love with her!

Almost a week later, my DEAREST friend S gave birth. S has had a rough time of it, having suffered from infertility for years. She is my rock. Baby J is here and I cannot be more thrilled to have him in my life too!

Finally... some sad news. My other 'rock' friend miscarried. This was her fourth and final IVF. As much as I am ecstatic for the two babies born in July breathing their first breath, I am shattered that my friend was not so lucky. They will not be trying again. Journey over.

Three babies born this month. I love them all.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The well

My husband's brother wife was due four days ago, and she just found out 2 days ago that the baby is breech! So she is going to go in for a C-section tomorrow.

Everything is fine except for her positioning, but I would still appreciate it if everyone can keep us in their thoughts!

Last night, I chatted with my sister-in-law about all things baby. After I got off the phone with her, I was talking to a dear-to-my-heart friend online and that's when the waterworks started.

I used to feel guilty about crying at another's happiness. I've since come to realize that these feelings are valid. I am simply expressing my deepest desire to have a child. Their successes, their babes are just a reminder to me of my own failures.

I hadn't had a good cry in a while. It felt good and I felt 100% better afterwards. I am hoping that I have gotten it out of my system, so when I meet my goddaughter for the first time tomorrow I will have only extreme tears of happiness and joy to be a part of her life.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Protocol for IVF #1

Went in for my Day 3 blood work and ultraound and FINALLY got my protocol!

- Marvelon (birth control pill) for 21 days
- Gonal F 300 IUI and Menopur 150 for at least 4 days starting Day 3 (Day 1 for the cycle will be July 27)

Very very excited. After 4 years of trying this is finally happening!

I also got notice of our first payment... $1800 for the Embryology Laboratory Fee. I think this is only for patients with some government funding. Since both my tubes were blocked, the government pays for a portion of the IVF. Every little bit helps...!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Day 1

So AF is finally here!

I can't believe I'm on the road to my first IVF cycle. Just called in for my Day 1.

I can't wait to get my protocol! I think it's bcp this month, but I will find out I suppose when I go in Day 3 (if that is in fact what they want me to do).

Friday, June 24, 2011


Happy to see so many visitors from ICLW! I love reading your comments. I didn't post yesterday so I am going to make it up for it today :)

One of the things that I have found with DHEA is my skin tingles. Specifically the bottom part of my face. I keep thinking maybe the hair follicles are starting to get restless. One of these days I'm going to scare myself by looking in the mirror! Of course, maybe this is just the result of looking at side effects online and then having phantom reactions. In any case, J has been notified :)

My wheatgrass shipment arrived yesterday in a cool looking container. It was a PAIN to take the frozen cubes out of the pack. The best I can describe it is that it came in a plastic bag ice cube tray. The directions say that you can just twist the bag a few times, and then while the bag is still closed grasp the two sides of the bag and pull and all the cubes of wheatgrass will separate nicely. Uhmm.... no. I ended up with wheatgrass juice all over the place. In the end I just cut open the bag and put it into another one. They did give a video on how to do this 'easily' so maybe I will watch it and see if that helps next time :)

The stuff tastes like grass. No big surprise - and it's not too bad. I am going to drink it one ounce of it every morning.

I am still waiting for AF. Day 30 today (usually I'm 28 or 29 days). I am also feeling a bit nauseous in the morning. Can you believe my friend (who I love dearly, she is now pregnant after her 4th try at IVF) asked me if I've peed on a stick yet? I've heard of miracle babies and all but I really don't think that is in my cards with getting my tubes tied last month! I am an optimist, but a realist :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Welcome IComLeavWe'ers!

It's another IComLeavWe. This is my second time participating, and to be honest my heart wasn't really into it and I did a poor job.

Not this time! Now we have a plan, my surgery was done, and all I have to do is wait for AF to arrive. I really feel like a baby is within arms reach.

I ordered 200 frozen wheatgrass cubes from a local naturopath today. Final total = $202. I had every intention of growing and juicing it myself but it's just not going to happen. I am really hoping that this will help lower my FSH.

I also have been taking DHEA, a steroid. Fingers crossed that (a) it lowers my FSH and (b) I don't lose all my hair and get acne! Let me tell you, my libido is UP. Really good thing, because my husband is not complaining. That could change, of course if I turn into a balding, acne prone, deep voiced, hairy chinned wife.

The other downside is that I won't be able to compete in the Olympics. Another hope dashed!

Fingers crossed that they will do bloodwork and ultrasound on my Day 3 so I can see if my FSH has indeed gone down. I don't expect it to, but I'm really hoping to see a difference.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Can hopes and dreams come true?

I had my followup appointment with my surgeon (an RE) today. While she is not my RE, she works at the same clinic.

She confirmed stage 4, and that I had tons of adhesions. My bowel was completely attached to my uterus. She separated them. There were tons of ovarian cysts too, she left those as per my instructions because I did not want to compromise any more ovarian reserve. Drained the fluid in my hydrosalpinges, and then clipped them.

And then she told me that since my RE was in the office, she would just be back to see if we could start my first IVF cycle next month. :cheer:

So it's official... I call in with my day one. I am about 2 weeks away I think. From there, they will put me on the pill for one cycle to try to calm down my endometriosis. The following day one will be my official cycle where we try for as many eggs as possible!

Definitely what I was hoping for, and I wanted to hug my surgeon for bringing this up so I didn't have to.

She also gave me a copy of my OR report, and showed me some photos that she took on her iPhone of the screen :lol:

So yeah, extremely excited about it. I really hope I am 'lucky' and it works the first time.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

And I thought AF was a b!tch before...

When I left the hospital, the doctor gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3s. I filled it, knowing I wasn't going to use them but thought 'just in case'.

I'm glad I did. While I didn't use them immediately after my surgery, AF is here and fiercer than ever.

It is a completely different type of pain. It's like someone has their foot on my crouch, and is yanking my ovaries down and out. Tug, tug, yank.

I bared the pain for a couple of days and then gave up and took the T3s.

Really really hoping this is not going to be added to my monthly gift. I don't know if I can deal with the endo pain on top of this.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Back in the real world

So it's been a month since I have posted here. I really kinda dumped everyone and everything in my life - probably more as an escape because that is what I do to deal with things.

My surgery was May 3. I'm assuming it went well - I say this because my doctor didn't stick around to talk to me after. She spoke briefly to J, and told him 'no wonder she had so much pain, it was a mess in there' and confirmed that she clipped my tubes. My follow up is on June 14.

I cried after waking up. I knew it was going to be hard to have this surgery, and there I was, in bed, groggy, and minus a very important (albeit broken) part of me.

I was lucky that I got approved for four weeks off of work. The first two weeks were all about recuperating. I stayed home, on the couch. Well enough to get up and do my own thing after four days.

Having such surgery right before Mother's Day was kinda stupid. The day is hard enough already, and if I could have taken a drug that would have knocked me out for a week, I would have. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, think about my stupid tubes or my stupid ovaries or my f!@#ing endometriosis.

The next two weeks I was better. I stayed home, on the couch. But I was better emotionally. I just needed those weeks to grieve.

In the weeks I was off, I got two pregnancy announcements. One is a friend who has tried IVF four times. The other was a gloater.

I can't wait to give the first a huge big hug, and I am avoiding the second like the plague.

Have so much to say but will post tomorrow.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I am the infertile elephant in the room

The holidays are tough with my sister-in-law being pregnant. And I am PMSing so this is going to be a pity party post.

Of course I oohed and aahed at the sight of her beautiful 30-week bump, perfectly round. She's horrified she weighs so much now (which incidentally is my current weight). HORRIFIED.

When each guest arrived, the attention peaked to a fever pitch. Her due date is the same as your daughter's birthday? Uncanny. My plans for July 1st... I will be barren. Stripped of parts like some beaten old jalopy.

I am not a selfish person, but there is only so much I could take and I had to walk away from most of these conversations as they started.

Sometimes I would walk a few steps and join the older women on the other side of the kitchen and help them with dinner. Other times I'd cross the room to the living room and join the men watching the hockey game.

I hate standing out, and I felt like the infertile elephant in the room. I don't expect them to NOT have these conversations because it is a joyful time - I just couldn't be present for every one of them.

We have started to make plans for her shower. It will be a joint co-hosting gig between J's aunt and myself (as the loving godmother). The good thing is that as co-host I am sure I will be really busy running around, hopefully limiting the 'why aren't you pregnant yet' comments from the other women (many who I only see at family weddings).

I am already thinking about self-medicating. I haven't decided between acupuncture, alcohol, chamomile tea or Rescue Remedy!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Back relaxed and refreshed

I am back from my vacation. It was a wonderful time. I don't think I've walked so much in my life. Crepes and croissants for breakfast... Baguettes for lunch... Out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Yes, I totally threw out my non-gluten non-dairy diet out the window and you know what? No pain at all.

DH thinks it's because I don't exercise enough. This could be it. It was also the relatively calm point of my cycle.

I am going to exercise like crazy this next 1.5 weeks before my surgery. Treadmill and maybe a few runs outside with the dog.

Oh, and cross one thing off the bucket list. The picnic lunch was wonderful, and one of the best lunches we had while we were there.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My favourite place in the world

I'm going to Paris. On Saturday!

I booked it last week. The sudden trip was spurred on by a brunch at a French bistro (I almost pulled a Meg Ryan it was that good) AND my bucket list (which has two things on it that I can do in Paris).

J and I will have a picnic lunch in front of the Eiffel Tower, with wine, cheese, fresh baguettes and other tasty morsels. I am going to save the cooking course in France item for later on, because I'd rather take a more intensive course than a 2 hour course geared towards tourists. And besides, it means I -have- to go back, right?

I have been busy planning the trip. Trying to stick to the two things a day so we can spend the rest of the day wandering around... but it is hard not to try to pack as many things as possible.

The surgery is the farthest thing from my mind right now... for I am about to fly to my favourite place in the world with the man that I love!

Ironically, I once told people after my first trip to Paris 2 years ago that if I ever had to run away, they would find me in Paris.

On this trip, I am not running away... I am enjoying life. And where else to experience joie de vivre than in Paris.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


The real squeamish may want to skip this entry.

I think I know why my period is late... A yeast infection.

I did not realize that a yeast infection can delay your period. But apparently it can.

Some of this stuff might be TMI for you. Although, if you also suffer from infertility, no doubt you are used to talking about this stuff!

I checked this morning to see if I could spot any blood, but I could tell I am starting to get a yeast infection. I haven't had one in years.

I also checked my cervix position, and it is far back.

Unfortunately I don't think my cervix appreciated the intrusion. Within minutes I began to cramp.

I've never really tried to describe any of the pain that I feel, but it is probably important to try to describe it.

I cannot help but hunch over. I feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen, as if my ovaries were suddenly filled with rocks.

The cramps ooze from this area all the way up to my belly button. I feel bloated and fat.

My back hurts. Some days I feel like someone is shoving a thick needle into my lower spine. Today it feels like a spiky rod is being jammed up my spine. The pain ends just below my shoulder blades but is worse at the bottom.

I did come into work for an important meeting. The meeting is done, and I am going home!

AF has finally arrived. I am happy to see her, which is weird after three years of not wanting to see her.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Official bucket list

This will get updated as I add more and more things on here!
  1. Learn how to sew and make my own blouse. (03/11)
  2. Learning how to train or foster care of seeing eye dogs/rescue dogs. Need to do this with one dog. (03/11)
  3. Visit all the continents. Layover doesn't count. Africa Antarctica Asia Australia Europe North America South America (03/11)
  4. Volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months abroad. (03/11)
  5. Swim in a shark cage. (03/11)
  6. See the Northern Lights. (03/11)
  7. Participate in the Tomatina fight in Spain. (03/11)
  8. Do a CN Tower stair climb for charity (something I've done once and said I'd never do again). (03/11)
  9. Get a makeover. Hair, makeup, attire! (03/11)
  10. Picnic lunch in Paris with J. (03/11) DONE April 2011
  11. Take a baking/cooking course in France. (03/11)
  12. Go to Comic-Con. (03/11)

A new day

Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments, thoughts, and prayers for me.

The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.

I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.

If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.

I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for.

What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?

Food and retail therapy.

First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really.

J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.

Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet.

Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.

With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.

And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Surgery cancelled

I'm supposed to be groggy and drugged up and in pain writing this blog entry to let you know things went well, and I'm on the next step of this crazy infertility journey.

Instead, my tubes live another day.

In the end, after 3.5 hours in the waiting room with my gown and booties on, the doctor came to get me. Great, I thought - let's get this show on the road!

She took us to a room and started out by saying "I have some bad news for you" and I said "Oh, someone told us already." And she said, "Someone told you the surgery has been cancelled?"

Cue the jaw drop.

Of course, I thought she was going to tell me about the BFN. Nope. No surgery for me.

J immediately handed me a Kleenex because he knew what was about to happen. I saw the doctor glance to see what he was doing. She continued on her apology that there was someone that urgently needed the surgery room early in the morning, which bumped back all the patients and bumped me OFF the list for today.

I managed to get out "OK, I understand, of course" before the tears started pouring down my face.

She said she would bump another one of her patients for me for her next surgery date... May 2nd. One month away.

I know she really felt bad. She left. I cried in J's arms.

When I left the room and went back to get dressed, the nurses were all apologetic. I'm pretty sure the doctor told them how upset I took the news. Even if they didn't, I'm sure they could see it on my face.

J and I continued to take the day off. We went and had lunch. We went to the mall hand in hand and window shopped. I called my parents and my boss to tell them the change in plans.

And so here I am, now at home, the same as when I left home this morning. It has been a roller coaster of a ride today, with the BFP expired sticks, BFN blood test, and then the cancelled surgery.

Through it all - no AF. I am pretty sure she will come tonight with a vengeance and make it a trifecta of really crappy things to happen today.

Going to nap now. Thanks for listening - it really does help to get everything out in writing.

BFN and surgery delayed

So it's a BFN for me. What I thought. J is going to toss them all out straight to the garbage can when we get home since I have tests splayed out everywhere in the bathroom.

I am OK and in still good spirits (but did you really have to so that to me, cruel world?)

The nurse just came up to me... The patient scheduled before me at 9 is just going in now. So... Delayed for two hours. Greaaaat.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bloodwork done and waiting

30 min until surgery. They did bloodwork so I will know for sure soon.

Just waiting. Still mentally prepared for surgery because I still think it's a false positive. If you don't hear from me for a few hours you know I'm right!

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


AF has not arrived.

I only have expired pregnancy tests at home, ones that I have inherited from happy pregnant folk who needed not to POAS anymore. They are expired because we've been trying for three years.

I used my last Internet cheapie on Wednesday.

I peed on a First Response one... No lines at all (not even a control one).

I peed on another First Response one... BFN.

I peed on a Clearblue one... Positive. Two lines. BFP!

I peed on another FR... BFN.

I peed on another Clearblue... BFP.

I am in the car on the way to the hospital. I am late and stuck in traffic and holding a little Tupperware full of FMU. I'm sure once I tell them this they will do a pregnancy test. In the meantime DH will buy sone tests from the pharmacy and I'll dip and wait.

Someone has either a sense of humour or is incredibly cruel.

Remember these are all on expired tests. By three years.

Did I tell you I am late for my admitting appointment?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Surgery is tomorrow

Tomorrow morning is my surgery. Good bye blocked tubes! Thanks for nothing. Feel free to let the door hit you on the way out.

I am off work for three weeks. This past week has been a whirlwind of trying to get things cleared off and ensuring my backup is trained and prepared.

I've been asked by a lot of people if I am nervous about the surgery. Nervous isn't the word I would use. I feel more anticipation. I am not looking forward to the first few days. I recall last time the anesthetic made me really nauseous (I almost hurled in the hospital lobby). This time I'm going to take a Gravol soon after I wake up once the nurses OK it.

J is off work on Friday and Monday to be my man servant, and then.... my parents will be over on Tuesday.

Yes, I broke down and told them. You may recall I had decided not to tell them about the surgery, because I knew they wouldn't be supportive.

I changed my mind when I was at their place on Saturday. When I broke the news, my mother immediately launched into her tirade on how I need to eat better/organic foods, and I broke down in tears. Like... broke DOWN. It was horrible. I was gasping for air.

The good news is that she snapped out of it and held me as I sobbed and cried like a two year old that had just stubbed her toe. Unfortunately, it took a crazy crying fit for them to realize that this is something I need to do. Plus it helped that the surgery was in a week's time and that I just sprung this on them.

It was a good bonding moment, and I think one we needed after our big fight a few weeks ago (where I also ended up in tears... see the pattern!)

Oh, and has anyone see my AF? No where to be seen. She is like clockwork, and she should have been here yesterday. I did take a pregnancy test yesterday and it was a BFN. I'm not a fool to think I am pregnant, but it's just annoying to not have her show up when I'm expecting it.

I'll try to post a quick little entry tomorrow night to let you know that I'm home.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Spoken word poetry

Today as I was browsing YouTube I happened upon a clip of a man doing spoken word. He said a line that struck a chord in me - so much so that I had to rush here to get my thoughts down.

Sometimes you have lose a part of you to find your whole self.

The poet was speaking of his battle with cancer. The piece is called "The Waiting Hour".

In exactly seven days, I will be naked on an operating table getting my tubes clipped and possibly removed. I had this surgery scheduled in April of last year, but ended up canceling it a few weeks. Why? I was scared. I was angry that this was my only course of action. I was running away from reality. I thought two years of trying unsuccessfully wasn't enough, that I needed some time, that my tubes would work if I would only just give them a second chance.

I wasn't ready to lose a part of me. I see that now.

I am no longer running away. In seven days, I will be losing a part of me but will gain a better chance that IVF will work.

If we do conceive through IVF, I will give life and gain a babe in arms. I will not lie to you. Having a baby will make me whole again.

If we do not conceive through IVF, it will be devastating BUT I know that somewhere down the road, I will come to terms with it. Maybe not on a year, or even two. But I will find myself - babe or not.

Living with infertility eats you up. I feel like my empty womb takes up 30% of my body, my mind, my soul. Regardless of the outcome, this surgery is the right step to finding myself, as a happy mother or a healed, childless woman.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

FSH, and IVF cycle in the works

I talked to a nurse at the clinic today and my FSH results are in for this cycle. They are at 9, which is at the very end of the normal range.

Unfortunately, they did not test for estradiol so it's hard to interpret these FSH results without the estradiol numbers. Grrrrr.

I have also read that FSH numbers vary from month to month, but that typically you are only as good as your highest number.

This test confirms that my ovarian reserve has diminished a lot since I did my last IUI a year ago.

Oh well - moving on. The good news is that I can start my IVF cycle if I have a normal period! I calculate my day one to be around April 21. Fingers crossed that it is normal so I can get this baby show on the road!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Endometriosis Awareness Month

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month.

So many of us suffer silently. I recall a time when I had male bosses and I felt that I had to make up excuses for being away from work. I never felt comfortable telling them that I had 'girl issues', that for a few days a month I'd be away from the office because I was writhing in pain at home. The male bosses in my past would have been very supportive regardless, but it was just something I didn't want to discuss with them.

The past two bosses have been women, and they know my issues well. I am lucky that they have both been understanding - especially since my endometriosis has steadily gotten worse.

Endometriosis is the leading cause of infertility. That word has shattered my dreams. And I am not alone.

Rather than hash out all of the details of the disease for those that do not know much about it, I'll paste a few links.

Endometriosis Research Center's Endometriosis Awareness Month page
Canadian Women's Health Network's Endometriosis page
Wikipedia's Endometriosis page

And a few blog links of fellow endo sufferers.

That Girl With Endo
Life with Endometriosis and PCOS
My Journey With Endometriosis

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The startings of a bucket list

I love lists. I get teased at work for having lists strewn about my desk. My to do lists have boxes beside their items, waiting for that tick mark to denote its completion.

One that I am working on right now is my bucket list. What does this does have to do with my infertility? I really feel that I have put my life on hold completely for three years. I held myself financially hostage. Every penny I spent was a penny I was taking away from an IVF cycle.

This year I've decided to break out of that, and live a little. I think it will do me some good.

I need to work on some things that I can do locally while I wait for my surgery and subsequent IVF cycle. Many of my items are travel ones, since I love to travel.

I would love to learn how to sew. I am continually inspired by some of the amazing creations that I have seen coming from a few of you readers! I think I will take sewing lessons.

I would love to learn how to train a seeing eye dog or a search and rescue dog. Or at least somehow help in that process.

My travel ones off the top of my head are:
- to go to Africa
- to volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months
- to go in a shark cage (yeah really)
- to see the Northern Lights

I have less exotic places that I would like to go see but those four stand out.

I told J that he should make a bucket list too. He refuses to call it a bucket list on the basis that it makes him think about his death. I told him to call it a list that he needs to complete before he gets too old to do them. I'm not entirely sure that thrills him either!

Right away, he mentioned learning how to fence. I found a local academy that does instruction, and so I've purchased 8 private lessons + 6 group classes for him. He is really excited. I think he thinks this will make him into a Muskateer. I will have to get him a suitable outfit.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Cutting back on supplements

I ended up getting another migraine today. It was amusing because I was organizing a luncheon for 100 at work, and I was the MOST clumsiest person ever. I was helping to serve the cake and I ended up with cake on both sleeves. I took my blazer off and two minutes later got icing on my shirt. In the boob area. :lol:

All the while I was pretty clueless and other people had to point it out. How embarrassing.

At least the pain didn't really hit until I got back to my desk. I was only suffering from the stupidity/confusion part of the migraine.

I am going to cut back one at a time my supplements to see if I can figure out which one it is. First one to toss is the choline and inositol capsule. I suspect this might be the one based on what I've read online.

I really don't think it is because of food. But I did cheat at lunch. Manicotti, and a slice of cake. Oh wheat, why do you make such tasty things? (you too cheese)

Today is Day 12 of my cycle. I know I should just give it a rest and not think about conceiving (since with my blocked tubes it is virtually impossible) but the overachiever/planner/optimist/limited intellectual in me is still saying go for it! The last time I'll be able to conceive naturally. From this point on it's $13,000 a try.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

More menstrual pain?

I have been doing some more research on tubal ligation, and I was shocked to read that in some patients, there can be more menstrual pain.

Like I need that!

It's kind of amazing what I've done to my body in order to get pregnant. I have no doubt that the months of injecting hormones have escalated my endometriosis. Although recently I've been having way more good emotional days than bad ones, I will admit that my mental state sometimes is not the best.

I just have to keep telling myself that through all this pain, having my baby in my arms will be worth it.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Appointment with surgeon

I had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon yesterday. She was running 30 minutes behind, so I had some time to flip through the magazines in the waiting room. There was an ad in one of the fertility magazines for a place in Washington DC (Shady Grove Fertility Clinic) that has a donor egg program. Uhh... yeah it's expensive.

For one cycle, it's $30,500 if you want to use all of the cycle's eggs for yourself. If you share it, it would be $19,700 between two people or $17,800 between three. Egg totals = about 18. If you don't get pregnant... no refund.

Interestingly enough, you have the choice of buying 6 cycles, and if you don't get pregnant they will refund you your money back. Costs are $57,500/$42,000/$34,000.

We are so not at this stage (nor do I really think given the costs we would entertain this) but it is good information to know.

The appointment itself was good - my surgeon is great, and is part of the same fertility clinic as my doctor. The only reason why my doctor is not doing it is because we want to do the surgery ASAP and her colleague has some surgery time open. We discussed not doing anything else but the tubes, but she said that she may have to do some stuff to get at the tubes. She also asked if it wouldn't affect ovarian reserve, if she could remove the tubes and I said yes (since if we just leave the tubes in there, that horrible toxic fluid is still in my body).

The other bit of news that came out of my appointment is that she confirmed she would want me to have one cycle before I do IVF. Since I will be on or about my Day 2... I wonder if this means I need to wait another full cycle, or if I can start and the end of the current one? I will call and ask.

I requested that they do another FSH test on this cycle's Day 3. I haven't heard the results yet. I really really hope that the other test was a fluke, and that my levels are normal!

Friday, February 25, 2011


I love to self-diagnose, but I know I shouldn't. But here it is anyways... I have a migraine.

Wow my head hurts. I also have NO desire to eat. I didn't have time for breakfast. I bought my lunch (a salad) and it's sitting beside me half eaten.

This is REALLY abnormal for me. I -love- to eat. I have no desire for anything right now.

I've been doing some reading (anyone who knows me knows I tend to research the crap out of things online) and it is definitely a migraine. My neck was really stiff one-two days ago (a common symptom in the prodome phase). No aura phase although I do feel that my sight is a bit blurry. The aura phase only happens in 20% of cases.

I am in the headache phase now but easing towards the postdrome phase. The site below describes all of the phases, and I love this symptom in the postdrome phase - "lowered intellect" :)


I hope this is a one time thing and not something that is going to occur regularly when AF arrives. I also hope that this has nothing to do with perimenopause, which it could. Because I am not ready for menopause.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Last cycle

AF is here, and as usual I am in quite a bit of pain.

I can't help but be a little down today. Today is Day 1 of my last cycle where I can get pregnant naturally. After this cycle, I will get my useless, blocked tubes clipped and it will have to be IVF from there.

I know it's technically not very likely that I would get pregnant naturally but the hope is still there month to month.

I am trying to look forward to the future, but I can't help but think of the what ifs and I should have done thats of the past. Hopefully I will be strong enough to not let it affect me these next few weeks before my surgery.

Speaking of which - I have decided not to tell my parents and sister about the surgery. I know what some might say, but they would not support me since I am doing it purely for the reason of getting pregnant. My mother and I had a blow up argument when I visited last weekend where she said some very hurtful things which I care not to repeat. I certainly do not feel that I owe her anything.

My sister has never been supportive. She only sees it one way - her way. She has no desire to have children, and thus does not comprehend my drive to be a mother.

My father is my sweetheart. He may not understand my reasons and try to talk me out of it, but would completely be there when he realized I've made up mind. I just don't want to worry him and make him withhold information from my mother (he would probably tell her despite my request).

Luckily, I don't have time to dwell to much on this. I have the day off from my boring 9-5 job to do something that I love to do - planning an event. I'm on my way to the train station to go to a winery for a site visit for an event in September.

Friday, February 18, 2011

IV therapy, and the bitches

I went to my naturopath yesterday. This time, she did acupuncture, and then gave me an IV of a very orange-coloured cocktail of liquid vitamins and supplements. Apparently, she mixed in a bit of Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Vitamin C, magnesium, l-glutathione, and l-arginine. I'm probably missing some in there.

I didn't feel any different afterwards. Total fluid = 25 ml. We will do this all over again two weeks from now.

In other news, (TMI) she failed to tell me that my new vitamins would turn my urine a very deep yellow. Yowsers. I thought I wasn't getting enough water for a second before I realized perhaps my $125 a month supplement habit was to blame! Things your naturopath should tell you...

A bit crampy today. It's day 22. I have given up that this means anything at all. Just my endo flaring up and causing me grief. I did cheat and have a turkey burger last night since I was out with my husband for dinner (complete with a yummy hamburger bun) so maybe it's my body screaming GLUTEN! GLUTEN! How could you?!?

I imagine my body talks to me. I have vengeful, bitchy ovaries. I just need them for one successful IVF cycle and then they can do what they want!!!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Visit with a friend

Last weekend, some friends came by for a visit along with their 3 month old and 4 year old.

I will admit... I normally have a problem holding other people's babies. Part of it is because I fear I won't hold the baby properly. Part of it is because I don't know how I'm going to react.

When people bring their babies to work, I do go up and make pleasantries with the parents and ooh and ahh with the rest. When offered to hold the baby, I politely decline saying something along the lines of I'm just getting over a cold, or make a joke and say maybe when the baby is older and less breakable.

Basically, I protect myself so I don't end up in the washroom crying and feeling sorry for myself. I have a friend that also thrust his baby on me at a wedding. Literally threw him in my lap. That situation did not make me happy because it was at a time where I was having some issues with my infertility.

Anyways - so this visit was perfect. The baby was there, looking all cute and after being propped up against the pillows on the couch for a bit by my friend, I scooped her up.

It felt so good.

Just remembering the experience has me teary eyed as I type this. The baby looked up at me and smiled and gurgled and I fell in love. How could I not?

With two people pregnant around me who I am really close with, I think this is a positive step in the right direction. As someone with avoidance issues, I think the visit helped me address some feelings when seeing friends' babies. It will probably be a mental hurdle for me to see the babies for the first time, I will be honest - but I know once I take their little ones in my arms I will feel the same gush of love and happiness that they are a part of my life.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Naturopath visit

Last Thursday I went to see a new naturopath. I went to one a few years ago, but maxed out my work coverage for the year pretty quickly and never got around to booking another appointment.

This naturopath specializes in fertility. She took my history and we chatted about everything including eating habits, work and family life. Feeling my pulse, she told me I have too much 'heat' which everyone always tells me (naturopath #1 and my acupuncturist) Apparently I need to work on my liver. I'm pretty sure that was the shiraz I had the night before!

I am going to continue seeing her since it's covered. She gave me a list of supplements to take, as well as emphasizing a no gluten, no sugar diet. Considering I am doing no red meat and no dairy... eating out is hard, but she said I can cheat twice a week.

I am starting a fertility bill of what I am paying for 2011. You can see it on the right!

I've ordered my supplements from iherb.com and have saved a ton of money by buying online and not at local health food stores. For the curious, here is what she's put me on:

Progressive for Adult Women multivitamin 3x daily
Indole-3-Carbinol 400 mg
Coenzyme Q10 1200 mg
Choline and Inositol 500 mg
Vitamin D drops 2000 IU
Nutrasea Fish Oil 2 tbsp
Folic Acid 5 mg

Total cost for 4 months supply: $476.97 (chaching!)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Cha ching

Many people don't realize how expensive fertility treatments are.

I am lucky in that I have double coverage for fertility medications which totals approximately $5,000. Unfortunately, that is a little more than one IUI cycle for me, because I am a poor responder given my decreased ovarian reserve.

I don't know yet how much my fertility drugs will be for my IVF cycle, but I have decided that I am not going to skimp this year on anything.

It goes against the grain, a bit. My previous fertility clinic quoted me $13,000 for one cycle of IVF. If that is accurate, and if my first IVF doesn't work, I'm looking at $26,000 of drugs and procedures in one year. Ouch.

The good news is that I am pretty financially conservative and so we have some savings. We also have a huge mortgage that we have not been prepaying because of the whole IVF bill looming above our heads.

I do tend to scrimp. We go to No Frills for groceries. I tend to only buy clothes as I need them (meaning my wardrobe is lacking, to say the least). I avoid the malls so that I'm not tempted.

I do splurge on a few items. I love traveling, and so we tend to do one trip a year. Last year, we went to Halifax and loved it. It was a perfect time for us to reconnect.

I also love to eat out, although I have been doing it less since I've been trying to eat healthier and stick to the endo diet.

So why spend in a year where money is completely flowing out of my bank account?

I need to relax. I can be a little high strung sometimes, sweating the small stuff which is NOT good for me. And I am SO lucky to be in the position that I can spend a bit.

That doesn't mean I'm going to buy a Harley. But it does mean I'm thinking about Paris. I've been before, but J hasn't and I know he would love it.

I am thinking we will go after the first IVF, successful or not. If it is successful, then we'll go as long as I feel up to it and the doctors OK it. If not, then it will serve as a stepping stone for IVF #2. Regardless of the outcome, I think I deserve this trip and so it's going to happen!

I think I will blog more about finances. I'm going to hunt down my receipts and credit card bills to see just exactly how much this fertility journey has cost us so far (scary thought).

Monday, January 31, 2011

Surgery date is set

My surgery date is set for March 25. I was actually thinking about delaying it to April and getting my fertility specialist to do it, but I've come to the conclusion that there might be a small part of me that thought that out of avoidance.

I've decided to just go ahead with the original date. At first I was thinking that I wanted more time to try naturally before clipping my tubes and being done with natural fertility forever. And then I snapped back to reality. After three years, do I really need a few more months? I have just been fooling myself. My tubes are blocked. If I do get pregnant, there is a high chance that I will have an ectopic pregnancy, and that would just be awful. So bye bye tubes!

The doctor that will perform the surgery is from the same fertility clinic, and although I have yet to meet her, I'm sure she will be just fine to clip my tubes. I know someone that works at the hospital and she has nothing but good things to say about her, so that is good news.

I had a wonderful weekend including a dinner with my dear friend Sarah from The Rocky Road to Motherhood (who I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about since I talk about her every other post!) How can I not be hopeful for the future when I see her growing belly? She dusted me with baby dust and a belly rub, because that was done to her the month before she did her successful IVF.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I am obsessed

If men think about sex every 7 seconds (my husband confirms that fact), then I think about infertility every 3 seconds.

This is how my day goes. In the interest of space, I'll go in 20 minute increments rather than 3 seconds.

11:20 PM - 7:00 AM: Sleeping. Infertility is in my dreams. Sometimes it takes the form of babysitting someone else's child, and having something go horribly wrong. I think I have insecurities of if I would be a good mother. Before you comment, I know I would be. But at night, your mind defies using logic and for whatever reason, that seed is planted in there. It is never my child though. I don't know what that means.

7:00 AM: My alarm wakes me up. I hit snooze, take my basal temperature, copy it down. I take note of how I feel. Is this going to be a pain-free day or a painful day? Nothing aching. Fantastic. I go back to sleep.

7:20 AM: Snooze.

7:40 AM: Yawn. I pet the dog who has wedged into my side for warmth and wander to the computer to officially record my temperature for the day. I check my email. I get a weekly email from a fertility clinic in the States which can have some useful information. "5 Ways to Re-Think Fertility and Stress". Breath deep, huh? Mind-boggling. I think that one day the computer room will be a baby room, like the people we bought the house from. Maybe. Please?

8:00 AM: I look at the treadmill. I stand there and wonder, will losing 10 pounds really help my
fertility? I finally decide, what if it does? I become a mouse in a running wheel.

8:20 AM: Still a mouse.

8:40 AM: This had better be worth it.

9:00 AM: Shower. My collection of abdominal scars are still there. I think about what day it is in my cycle. I need to warn my husband if ovulation is approaching. He needs to know the schedule. After Day 10, those swimmers are MINE.

9:20 AM: Three cups of hot water and an egg. My acupuncturist says this is a perfect start to the morning. My friend who referred me to her described her as "the Chinese mother you never had" and she is right. I drink the water and eat the egg for fear of scolding. And I haven't seen her in months! She has that effect (but is a very sweet lady). I grab my pillbox and take my daily dose of CoQ10, prenatal vitamin, vitamin C, vitamin D, fish oil, royal jelly, folic acid. Maybe I should make an appointment with her...

9:40 AM: Heading out the door, I run into my little old Portuguese neighbour. I cringe a bit, because I know what is coming next. She starts crying about her son who passed away last year of cancer. Gods, I would rather not be pregnant than lose a child. I don't think I could survive. I am definitely not strong enough. I hug her, she sniffs, and I get to my bus stop.

10:00 AM: I'm on public transit. I manage to be wedged between two strollers. The babies are gurgling at me. I swear they always look at me. Depending on my mood, I either (a) look and smile at the baby/mother, (b) ignore them as if they don't exist, or (c) get up and run away. Most days it's (b).

10:20 AM: Arrive at work. Log onto my email and check my email. The email that I probably most look forward to is my friend Sarah. In the past, we've been each other's support in our infertility journeys. Now that she is pregnant, she is, of course, STILL supportive.

10:40 AM - 12:00 PM: Work, with a bit of fertility surfing.

12:00 PM: Head down to the dungeon (aka my work's basement) where they've squirreled away the microwaves in a tiny, smelly room. I go down with my co-worker, who is thinking about her fourth IVF attempt. We often use the walk down as a sanity check for the day.

12:20 PM: Back at my desk. Munching on my no-wheat, no-red meat, no dairy, no sugary lunch. This would be the endo diet. It's supposed to help calm endo, since it seems almost everything we eat is an inflammatory. Not fun. The running joke with my friend: if I succeed with the endo diet, I can reward myself with broccoli! (oooh aaah)

1:00 PM: I grab a little glass jar I have and head to the washroom. I pee in it, invariably getting some on my hand. Ew. Sterile right? Dip my ovulation strip in and watch for two lines. Dream that it's a home pregnancy test. Snap back and flush and return to desk with test strip hidden in hand.

1:20 PM - 6:20 PM: Work, with a bit more fertility surfing. These days, it's ICLW blogs. And how to increase ovarian reserves. If it's very close to O time, then definitely more peeing into a little jar. I message my good friend of mine (and co-worker) throughout the day. He and his wife have been trying the same as us, and are just looking at fertility clinics now. Most days, we don't talk about it, some days it comes up. (Might I mention, I do have co-workers that do not have infertility. Just so happens that my close ones at work do - and they were my close friends before we all found out about each other.)

6:20 PM: Head out from work. I think about future blog entries. I can't use all of my good material at the beginning with nothing to write about later on!

7:00 PM: Get home. Make food for my husband, and something that fits the endo diet for me. Sometimes, I cheat. I don't know how people can do it 100%. When I open my fridge, I have $4000 in fertility meds staring at me, ready to be used for my upcoming IVF cycle. Let's see... milk... tomatoes... Gonal F... oh THERE's the cauliflower!

7:20 PM: Dog and husband arrive back from their walk. Happy to receive hugs and kisses from them both! The dog of course expects a second dinner.

8:00 PM: Dinner at the table. Dog looks longingly. Husband starts to bend. Strict rules apply: no feeding from the table! I will so be the disciplinarian if we have a child...

8:20 PM - 11:00 PM: TV/movies (possibly cringing when there is something to do with pregnancy or babies) or Xbox (where I am concentrating too much on shooting the enemy to think about fertility) with the husband. Or, if it's that time of the month, we may be doing other things!

11:20 PM: And the cycle starts over again...

To share or not to share?

I am an extremely open person. As such, most of the people in my life know about what I am going through... from co-workers, to family, to friends.

I decided to reveal my journey to them for two reasons. First, it stopped the potentially hurtful questions of "So when are you going to have a baby?" I know you women have come up with many fantastic comebacks that I dream I could say... but the reality is, all I could muster would be, "Oh, we're not in a rush" or "Not now, maybe later". Which would invariably mean they would tell me not to wait too long, how their kids are the joy of their life. I'd nod, and depending on my mood just ignore the conversation or wallow in self-pity on the way home.

So I decided telling people would be better. And it is for sure. I don't get scared at co-worker's baby showers anymore. When my brother-in-law announced her pregnancy on Christmas Eve, there weren't questions on where was OUR announcement. It has made things easier, especially since I can be extra sensitive about these things.

Of course, there are drawbacks. When someone makes comments that hurt and they know of your troubles, it's hard to excuse them. I try to remember that sometimes 'they know not what they say'. I do not need to be reminded three times in one sitting that you got pregnant on your first try. I am happy for you, but that simple fact is a dagger in my heart.

The other reason why I tell others is I think it's important to put a face to infertility. There is no shame in what I am going through. To many, IVF is a procedure done by crazy women wanting to have 8 babies and get their own reality show.

So I tell those that will listen.

My dilemma now is to reveal this blog to loved ones. I have a close friend who I share a lot of my thoughts with who has done IVF numerous times and is going to try one, final time before calling it quits. Do I share with her? I know I have many caring friends who want to know all the gory details. What about them?

My gut tells me not to reveal it. That I need this space as my own, where I can bitch and complain and curse and not worry about who is reading it.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Godmother to a little one

Greetings ICLWers! As you can see, I've just recently started this blog so there is not much here. You can see my history on the left.

I suppose the biggest news of the weekend is that my husband's brother and his wife have asked us to be the godparents (and legal guardians in the worst case scenario) to their little one. His wife is due at the beginning of July. I had actually prepared myself in case they asked us (one of the benefits of thinking too much about every possible situation, I suppose).

I am so glad that they asked us a month after they told us the news of the pregnancy because it took me a week to deal with the pregnancy news on Christmas Day. Had they sprung this at the same time of the announcement, I don't think I could have dealt with it.

My husband and I are very happy in our new roles. We are close to them, and we know that they have asked us not as infertile relatives but loving brother and sister-in-law.

Monday, January 17, 2011

My weekend

I had a pretty full weekend. On Saturday, I finally saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 with my pregnant sister-in-law. Soooo good. I love the darkness of it, and thinking how different the kids are from their first entrance into our world in the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Afterwards we headed to a nearby mall and shopped for maternity wear. She made sure I was OK (but even if I wasn't, I think I wouldn't have said so). I was alright with the exercise, as I am starting to get very excited about her pregnancy. I will not kid you though - there will be brief low moments. Even though my husband and I are an inter-racial couple, so too are my brother-in-law and his wife - so the baby will look very much like us. And that will be a bit hard to deal with at first.

Anyways - we were surprised at the lack of maternity wear in the massive mall. We then treated ourselves to a fancy dinner (all things that I have sworn off of, to come in tomorrow's post).

On Sunday morning, her husband (my husband's brother) came over to move our new treadmill to its final resting spot (in front of a TV, of course). I am excited that I will be able to use this, and I'm vowing this will be a much better purchase than the dusty elliptical in the basement.

The afternoon I spent with a co-worker and his family. He is a dear friend who I sat across from for many years before he switched roles in the department. I watched them go through male fertility issues, but with a little help from my clinic they have a beautiful girl and one more on the way. I feel like a dolt, but at one point in our conversation about infertility they revealed some of the stuff they went through, and I cried.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I'm feeling better today. I read some forum posts over at ivf.ca of women who have similar numbers to me and have gotten pregnant. Always helpful to read those positive stories and feel a bit more hopeful.

I'm looking into ways to decrease my FSH. One of the things is wheatgrass. I had been thinking about it for a while. One naturopath in Toronto can ship 200 0.5 oz frozen cubes for $179. The typical dosage they recommend is 2 oz... so that will last me 50 days.

Since I love to grow things -and- I have a grow-light stand at home, I am thinking about growing and juicing my own. It would be a lot cheaper, even though I would need to purchase a wheatgrass juicer.

Makes me laugh that I am thinking about growing grass.

I think I will also call my RE and see if she can schedule me in for bloodwork to test my numbers again on my next Day 3 (in a couple of weeks).

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Not a good day

I was thinking this morning that I was going to post something upbeat and/or funny, since it's been all doom and gloom so far.

Alas, today is not the day.

I had my followup appointment with my RE today. Not good news.

1. My Day 3 FSH was 11.0... It's never been that high! She would like to have seen it under 10.

2. My Anti-Mullerian Hormone test came back (this measures ovarian reserve)... and it's low. Low ovarian reserve.

She agrees with all of the findings that both my tubes are blocked, and recommends either clipping of my Fallopian tubes or Essure coils. The coils are inserted into the end of the Fallopian tubes, and the body naturally scars over it creating the closure. It takes 3 months for it to scar.

I've been reading about the coils since I got home, and I'm pretty sure I don't want them in my body. I've read stories where they failed to close the tubes after 6 months, where they've fallen out, or caused side effects and people have had to get them removed. Uh.. no thanks.

So it's a clipping we shall go. Next surgery date for my RE is April... she's going to see if one of her colleagues can do it sooner. Normally I'd wait for her but I think given my low reserve it's time to finally get this show on the road.

I was so upset after I left the doctor's office I almost threw up. I am at home now, 'working from home' because I didn't want to go to work and cry at my desk. As it was, I cried on the subway ride home.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Endometriosis and symptoms

So today I've decided I'm going to write about this horrible affliction I have called endometriosis (endo for short). Mainly because I'm in pain today.

For those that don't know, endo is when you have endometrial tissue outside of your uterus. When a woman menstruates, the endometrial tissue on the inside of the uterus sheds, giving us our lovely Aunt Flo. The thing is, women with endo have endometrial tissue ELSEWHERE.

They don't know why this happens. But it does, and it means then that wherever that tissue is, it bleeds. Bleeding leads to scarring and in my case, ovarian cysts, pelvic adhesions and PAIN!

A list of symptoms from Wikipedia follows. I've bolded the ones that I suffer from. Sorry if some of this is TMI.

- dysmenorrhea - painful, sometimes disabling cramps during menses; pain may get worse over time (progressive pain), also lower back pains linked to the pelvis
- chronic pelvic pain - typically accompanied by lower back pain or abdominal pain
- dyspareunia - painful sex
- dysuria - urinary urgency, frequency, and sometimes painful voiding
- infertility
- constipation
- chronic fatigue
- heavy or long uncontrollable menstrual period with small or large blood clots
- gastrointestinal problems including
diarrhea, bloating and painful defecation
extreme pain in legs and thighs
- back pain
- mild to extreme pain during intercourse
- pain from adhesions
which may bind an ovary to the side of the pelvic wall, or they may extend between the bladder and the bowel, uterus, etc.
- extreme pain with or without the presence of menses
- premenstrual spotting
- mild to severe fever
- headaches
- depression
- hypoglycemia (low blood sugar)
- anxiety

Yeah, the adhesions are fun. My organs like to snuggle close to each other. My surgeon told me part of my bladder was attached to my uterus, and my bowel was attached to the back of my pelvic wall, and my rectum was attached to my cervix.

The pain during sex is FANTASTIC for TTC too.

Sorry for all the sarcasm. I am definitely more bitchy when I am in pain.

One day I will type out my operative report from my September 2009 surgery because I find it fascinating read. But then again, it's my body. Maybe you won't find it interesting!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Knowing when to move on

There is a remarkable forum in Internet land that started as a place where new brides could talk freely about life. It was a place that I could turn to for anything and everything. A place where I had a captive audience that would weigh in on my ups and downs.

The women on there have gone through a lot in the few years. The small group of regulars have been through it all. You name it, and it has happened to one of us. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

We rejoiced when there were births or job promotions. We cried at heart-breaking losses (I'm tearing up just thinking about them). We marveled at the strength of women who indured hardships. We held up those that needed holding up.

I have recently left this forum of love and support. I had thought about it for months before taking the plunge and saying my farewell. I know there will be days where I will feel like running back.

Why did I leave? The demographics changed. It became a forum of mothers. And I know that 100% they would welcome me back with open arms. In a heartbeat. They have been incredibly supportive of the members that are struggling with infertility.

But with the change in demographics, came the obvious chatter about car seats and daycares. The little things that their little ones had done earlier on in the day that made their heart melt. And while I had a choice to read or not read those subforums, it was hard not to be caught up in their world.

Their world. Not mine. Those that started on their TTC journey at the same time as I have now have multiple little ones. My womb... still empty.

So I made the difficult decision to leave.

The forum has given me lifelong friends. And I know my time will come. I hope to one day come back to them when I am ready (babe in arms or not). Until then, they've been invited to keep track of me through this blog and I am happy to see some of them following me already!

To those of you reading: thank you so much for all the love and support over the years. I am a better person because of it. Please feel free to let me know how you are doing by emailing or commenting on my blog. I still think the world of each and every one of you!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I am not alone

I have a few good friends who are going through the same crazy journey. The sad reality is that 1 in 6 couples in Ontario have suffered or are suffering from infertility.

There is comfort though, in numbers. I can't even count the number of times something has happened that I've had to vent. "Can you believe that person was so insensitive by barraging me with questions on why I'm not pregnant yet?" or "I had a rough night last night, and then today everywhere there were baby strollers."

And yes, there are those moments where the walls seem to be crumbling down around me and where I think that I cannot take it anymore. The days where I am emotionally and physically exhausted and I want to quit.

In those dark times, I am so lucky to have a couple of friends who hold me up. Because of their own journeys, they know what to say (and what not to say). They remind me of things that I have said to them in THEIR dark times. They keep me sane.

I will be forever indebted to their love, support, and understanding through these times. And I am happy to report that one of these dear friends is pregnant! It has completely filled me with renewed optimism for this long and difficult process.

She posted a special blog post for me and posted two videos which had me in tears (in a good way) after I had a difficult holiday. Love you!

I share with you one of the videos, and hope that those reading will be filled with optimism and hope for the future. It is, of course fitting, that it is a CĂ©line Dion song given her own struggle.