So it's been a month since I have posted here. I really kinda dumped everyone and everything in my life - probably more as an escape because that is what I do to deal with things.
My surgery was May 3. I'm assuming it went well - I say this because my doctor didn't stick around to talk to me after. She spoke briefly to J, and told him 'no wonder she had so much pain, it was a mess in there' and confirmed that she clipped my tubes. My follow up is on June 14.
I cried after waking up. I knew it was going to be hard to have this surgery, and there I was, in bed, groggy, and minus a very important (albeit broken) part of me.
I was lucky that I got approved for four weeks off of work. The first two weeks were all about recuperating. I stayed home, on the couch. Well enough to get up and do my own thing after four days.
Having such surgery right before Mother's Day was kinda stupid. The day is hard enough already, and if I could have taken a drug that would have knocked me out for a week, I would have. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, think about my stupid tubes or my stupid ovaries or my f!@#ing endometriosis.
The next two weeks I was better. I stayed home, on the couch. But I was better emotionally. I just needed those weeks to grieve.
In the weeks I was off, I got two pregnancy announcements. One is a friend who has tried IVF four times. The other was a gloater.
I can't wait to give the first a huge big hug, and I am avoiding the second like the plague.
Have so much to say but will post tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
I am the infertile elephant in the room
The holidays are tough with my sister-in-law being pregnant. And I am PMSing so this is going to be a pity party post.
Of course I oohed and aahed at the sight of her beautiful 30-week bump, perfectly round. She's horrified she weighs so much now (which incidentally is my current weight). HORRIFIED.
When each guest arrived, the attention peaked to a fever pitch. Her due date is the same as your daughter's birthday? Uncanny. My plans for July 1st... I will be barren. Stripped of parts like some beaten old jalopy.
I am not a selfish person, but there is only so much I could take and I had to walk away from most of these conversations as they started.
Sometimes I would walk a few steps and join the older women on the other side of the kitchen and help them with dinner. Other times I'd cross the room to the living room and join the men watching the hockey game.
I hate standing out, and I felt like the infertile elephant in the room. I don't expect them to NOT have these conversations because it is a joyful time - I just couldn't be present for every one of them.
We have started to make plans for her shower. It will be a joint co-hosting gig between J's aunt and myself (as the loving godmother). The good thing is that as co-host I am sure I will be really busy running around, hopefully limiting the 'why aren't you pregnant yet' comments from the other women (many who I only see at family weddings).
I am already thinking about self-medicating. I haven't decided between acupuncture, alcohol, chamomile tea or Rescue Remedy!
Of course I oohed and aahed at the sight of her beautiful 30-week bump, perfectly round. She's horrified she weighs so much now (which incidentally is my current weight). HORRIFIED.
When each guest arrived, the attention peaked to a fever pitch. Her due date is the same as your daughter's birthday? Uncanny. My plans for July 1st... I will be barren. Stripped of parts like some beaten old jalopy.
I am not a selfish person, but there is only so much I could take and I had to walk away from most of these conversations as they started.
Sometimes I would walk a few steps and join the older women on the other side of the kitchen and help them with dinner. Other times I'd cross the room to the living room and join the men watching the hockey game.
I hate standing out, and I felt like the infertile elephant in the room. I don't expect them to NOT have these conversations because it is a joyful time - I just couldn't be present for every one of them.
We have started to make plans for her shower. It will be a joint co-hosting gig between J's aunt and myself (as the loving godmother). The good thing is that as co-host I am sure I will be really busy running around, hopefully limiting the 'why aren't you pregnant yet' comments from the other women (many who I only see at family weddings).
I am already thinking about self-medicating. I haven't decided between acupuncture, alcohol, chamomile tea or Rescue Remedy!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Back relaxed and refreshed
I am back from my vacation. It was a wonderful time. I don't think I've walked so much in my life. Crepes and croissants for breakfast... Baguettes for lunch... Out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Yes, I totally threw out my non-gluten non-dairy diet out the window and you know what? No pain at all.
DH thinks it's because I don't exercise enough. This could be it. It was also the relatively calm point of my cycle.
I am going to exercise like crazy this next 1.5 weeks before my surgery. Treadmill and maybe a few runs outside with the dog.
Oh, and cross one thing off the bucket list. The picnic lunch was wonderful, and one of the best lunches we had while we were there.
DH thinks it's because I don't exercise enough. This could be it. It was also the relatively calm point of my cycle.
I am going to exercise like crazy this next 1.5 weeks before my surgery. Treadmill and maybe a few runs outside with the dog.
Oh, and cross one thing off the bucket list. The picnic lunch was wonderful, and one of the best lunches we had while we were there.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My favourite place in the world
I'm going to Paris. On Saturday!
I booked it last week. The sudden trip was spurred on by a brunch at a French bistro (I almost pulled a Meg Ryan it was that good) AND my bucket list (which has two things on it that I can do in Paris).
J and I will have a picnic lunch in front of the Eiffel Tower, with wine, cheese, fresh baguettes and other tasty morsels. I am going to save the cooking course in France item for later on, because I'd rather take a more intensive course than a 2 hour course geared towards tourists. And besides, it means I -have- to go back, right?
I have been busy planning the trip. Trying to stick to the two things a day so we can spend the rest of the day wandering around... but it is hard not to try to pack as many things as possible.
The surgery is the farthest thing from my mind right now... for I am about to fly to my favourite place in the world with the man that I love!
Ironically, I once told people after my first trip to Paris 2 years ago that if I ever had to run away, they would find me in Paris.
On this trip, I am not running away... I am enjoying life. And where else to experience joie de vivre than in Paris.
I booked it last week. The sudden trip was spurred on by a brunch at a French bistro (I almost pulled a Meg Ryan it was that good) AND my bucket list (which has two things on it that I can do in Paris).
J and I will have a picnic lunch in front of the Eiffel Tower, with wine, cheese, fresh baguettes and other tasty morsels. I am going to save the cooking course in France item for later on, because I'd rather take a more intensive course than a 2 hour course geared towards tourists. And besides, it means I -have- to go back, right?
I have been busy planning the trip. Trying to stick to the two things a day so we can spend the rest of the day wandering around... but it is hard not to try to pack as many things as possible.
The surgery is the farthest thing from my mind right now... for I am about to fly to my favourite place in the world with the man that I love!
Ironically, I once told people after my first trip to Paris 2 years ago that if I ever had to run away, they would find me in Paris.
On this trip, I am not running away... I am enjoying life. And where else to experience joie de vivre than in Paris.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Pain
The real squeamish may want to skip this entry.
I think I know why my period is late... A yeast infection.
I did not realize that a yeast infection can delay your period. But apparently it can.
Some of this stuff might be TMI for you. Although, if you also suffer from infertility, no doubt you are used to talking about this stuff!
I checked this morning to see if I could spot any blood, but I could tell I am starting to get a yeast infection. I haven't had one in years.
I also checked my cervix position, and it is far back.
Unfortunately I don't think my cervix appreciated the intrusion. Within minutes I began to cramp.
I've never really tried to describe any of the pain that I feel, but it is probably important to try to describe it.
I cannot help but hunch over. I feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen, as if my ovaries were suddenly filled with rocks.
The cramps ooze from this area all the way up to my belly button. I feel bloated and fat.
My back hurts. Some days I feel like someone is shoving a thick needle into my lower spine. Today it feels like a spiky rod is being jammed up my spine. The pain ends just below my shoulder blades but is worse at the bottom.
I did come into work for an important meeting. The meeting is done, and I am going home!
AF has finally arrived. I am happy to see her, which is weird after three years of not wanting to see her.
I think I know why my period is late... A yeast infection.
I did not realize that a yeast infection can delay your period. But apparently it can.
Some of this stuff might be TMI for you. Although, if you also suffer from infertility, no doubt you are used to talking about this stuff!
I checked this morning to see if I could spot any blood, but I could tell I am starting to get a yeast infection. I haven't had one in years.
I also checked my cervix position, and it is far back.
Unfortunately I don't think my cervix appreciated the intrusion. Within minutes I began to cramp.
I've never really tried to describe any of the pain that I feel, but it is probably important to try to describe it.
I cannot help but hunch over. I feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen, as if my ovaries were suddenly filled with rocks.
The cramps ooze from this area all the way up to my belly button. I feel bloated and fat.
My back hurts. Some days I feel like someone is shoving a thick needle into my lower spine. Today it feels like a spiky rod is being jammed up my spine. The pain ends just below my shoulder blades but is worse at the bottom.
I did come into work for an important meeting. The meeting is done, and I am going home!
AF has finally arrived. I am happy to see her, which is weird after three years of not wanting to see her.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Official bucket list
This will get updated as I add more and more things on here!
- Learn how to sew and make my own blouse. (03/11)
- Learning how to train or foster care of seeing eye dogs/rescue dogs. Need to do this with one dog. (03/11)
- Visit all the continents. Layover doesn't count. Africa Antarctica
AsiaAustraliaEuropeNorth AmericaSouth America (03/11) - Volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months abroad. (03/11)
- Swim in a shark cage. (03/11)
- See the Northern Lights. (03/11)
- Participate in the Tomatina fight in Spain. (03/11)
- Do a CN Tower stair climb for charity (something I've done once and said I'd never do again). (03/11)
- Get a makeover. Hair, makeup, attire! (03/11)
Picnic lunch in Paris with J.(03/11) DONE April 2011- Take a baking/cooking course in France. (03/11)
- Go to Comic-Con. (03/11)
A new day
Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments, thoughts, and prayers for me.
The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.
I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.
If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.
I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for.
What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?
Food and retail therapy.
First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really.
J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.
Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet.
Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.
With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.
And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!
The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.
I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.
If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.
I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for.
What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?
Food and retail therapy.
First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really.
J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.
Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet.
Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.
With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.
And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!
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