I am the infertile elephant in the room

The holidays are tough with my sister-in-law being pregnant. And I am PMSing so this is going to be a pity party post.

Of course I oohed and aahed at the sight of her beautiful 30-week bump, perfectly round. She's horrified she weighs so much now (which incidentally is my current weight). HORRIFIED.

When each guest arrived, the attention peaked to a fever pitch. Her due date is the same as your daughter's birthday? Uncanny. My plans for July 1st... I will be barren. Stripped of parts like some beaten old jalopy.

I am not a selfish person, but there is only so much I could take and I had to walk away from most of these conversations as they started.

Sometimes I would walk a few steps and join the older women on the other side of the kitchen and help them with dinner. Other times I'd cross the room to the living room and join the men watching the hockey game.

I hate standing out, and I felt like the infertile elephant in the room. I don't expect them to NOT have these conversations because it is a joyful time - I just couldn't be present for every one of them.

We have started to make plans for her shower. It will be a joint co-hosting gig between J's aunt and myself (as the loving godmother). The good thing is that as co-host I am sure I will be really busy running around, hopefully limiting the 'why aren't you pregnant yet' comments from the other women (many who I only see at family weddings).

I am already thinking about self-medicating. I haven't decided between acupuncture, alcohol, chamomile tea or Rescue Remedy!

Back relaxed and refreshed

I am back from my vacation. It was a wonderful time. I don't think I've walked so much in my life. Crepes and croissants for breakfast... Baguettes for lunch... Out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Yes, I totally threw out my non-gluten non-dairy diet out the window and you know what? No pain at all.

DH thinks it's because I don't exercise enough. This could be it. It was also the relatively calm point of my cycle.

I am going to exercise like crazy this next 1.5 weeks before my surgery. Treadmill and maybe a few runs outside with the dog.

Oh, and cross one thing off the bucket list. The picnic lunch was wonderful, and one of the best lunches we had while we were there.

My favourite place in the world

I'm going to Paris. On Saturday!

I booked it last week. The sudden trip was spurred on by a brunch at a French bistro (I almost pulled a Meg Ryan it was that good) AND my bucket list (which has two things on it that I can do in Paris).

J and I will have a picnic lunch in front of the Eiffel Tower, with wine, cheese, fresh baguettes and other tasty morsels. I am going to save the cooking course in France item for later on, because I'd rather take a more intensive course than a 2 hour course geared towards tourists. And besides, it means I -have- to go back, right?

I have been busy planning the trip. Trying to stick to the two things a day so we can spend the rest of the day wandering around... but it is hard not to try to pack as many things as possible.

The surgery is the farthest thing from my mind right now... for I am about to fly to my favourite place in the world with the man that I love!

Ironically, I once told people after my first trip to Paris 2 years ago that if I ever had to run away, they would find me in Paris.

On this trip, I am not running away... I am enjoying life. And where else to experience joie de vivre than in Paris.

Pain

The real squeamish may want to skip this entry.

I think I know why my period is late... A yeast infection.

I did not realize that a yeast infection can delay your period. But apparently it can.

Some of this stuff might be TMI for you. Although, if you also suffer from infertility, no doubt you are used to talking about this stuff!

I checked this morning to see if I could spot any blood, but I could tell I am starting to get a yeast infection. I haven't had one in years.

I also checked my cervix position, and it is far back.

Unfortunately I don't think my cervix appreciated the intrusion. Within minutes I began to cramp.

I've never really tried to describe any of the pain that I feel, but it is probably important to try to describe it.

I cannot help but hunch over. I feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen, as if my ovaries were suddenly filled with rocks.

The cramps ooze from this area all the way up to my belly button. I feel bloated and fat.

My back hurts. Some days I feel like someone is shoving a thick needle into my lower spine. Today it feels like a spiky rod is being jammed up my spine. The pain ends just below my shoulder blades but is worse at the bottom.

I did come into work for an important meeting. The meeting is done, and I am going home!

AF has finally arrived. I am happy to see her, which is weird after three years of not wanting to see her.

Official bucket list

This will get updated as I add more and more things on here!

1. Learn how to sew and make my own blouse. (03/11)
2. Learning how to train or foster care of seeing eye dogs/rescue dogs. Need to do this with one dog. (03/11)
3. Visit all the continents. Layover doesn't count. Africa Antarctica Asia Australia Europe North America South America (03/11)
4. Volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months abroad. (03/11)
5. Swim in a shark cage. (03/11)
6. See the Northern Lights. (03/11)
7. Participate in the Tomatina fight in Spain. (03/11)
8. Do a CN Tower stair climb for charity (something I've done once and said I'd never do again). (03/11)
9. Get a makeover. Hair, makeup, attire! (03/11)
10. Picnic lunch in Paris with J. (03/11) DONE April 2011
11. Take a baking/cooking course in France. (03/11)
12. Go to Comic-Con. (03/11)

A new day

Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments, thoughts, and prayers for me.

The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.

I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.

If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.

I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for.

What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?

Food and retail therapy.

First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really.

J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.

Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet.

Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.

With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.

And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!

Surgery cancelled

I'm supposed to be groggy and drugged up and in pain writing this blog entry to let you know things went well, and I'm on the next step of this crazy infertility journey.

Instead, my tubes live another day.

In the end, after 3.5 hours in the waiting room with my gown and booties on, the doctor came to get me. Great, I thought - let's get this show on the road!

She took us to a room and started out by saying "I have some bad news for you" and I said "Oh, someone told us already." And she said, "Someone told you the surgery has been cancelled?"

Cue the jaw drop.

Of course, I thought she was going to tell me about the BFN. Nope. No surgery for me.

J immediately handed me a Kleenex because he knew what was about to happen. I saw the doctor glance to see what he was doing. She continued on her apology that there was someone that urgently needed the surgery room early in the morning, which bumped back all the patients and bumped me OFF the list for today.

I managed to get out "OK, I understand, of course" before the tears started pouring down my face.

She said she would bump another one of her patients for me for her next surgery date... May 2nd. One month away.

I know she really felt bad. She left. I cried in J's arms.

When I left the room and went back to get dressed, the nurses were all apologetic. I'm pretty sure the doctor told them how upset I took the news. Even if they didn't, I'm sure they could see it on my face.

J and I continued to take the day off. We went and had lunch. We went to the mall hand in hand and window shopped. I called my parents and my boss to tell them the change in plans.

And so here I am, now at home, the same as when I left home this morning. It has been a roller coaster of a ride today, with the BFP expired sticks, BFN blood test, and then the cancelled surgery.

Through it all - no AF. I am pretty sure she will come tonight with a vengeance and make it a trifecta of really crappy things to happen today.

Going to nap now. Thanks for listening - it really does help to get everything out in writing.