Pain

The real squeamish may want to skip this entry.

I think I know why my period is late... A yeast infection.

I did not realize that a yeast infection can delay your period. But apparently it can.

Some of this stuff might be TMI for you. Although, if you also suffer from infertility, no doubt you are used to talking about this stuff!

I checked this morning to see if I could spot any blood, but I could tell I am starting to get a yeast infection. I haven't had one in years.

I also checked my cervix position, and it is far back.

Unfortunately I don't think my cervix appreciated the intrusion. Within minutes I began to cramp.

I've never really tried to describe any of the pain that I feel, but it is probably important to try to describe it.

I cannot help but hunch over. I feel a heaviness in my lower abdomen, as if my ovaries were suddenly filled with rocks.

The cramps ooze from this area all the way up to my belly button. I feel bloated and fat.

My back hurts. Some days I feel like someone is shoving a thick needle into my lower spine. Today it feels like a spiky rod is being jammed up my spine. The pain ends just below my shoulder blades but is worse at the bottom.

I did come into work for an important meeting. The meeting is done, and I am going home!

AF has finally arrived. I am happy to see her, which is weird after three years of not wanting to see her.

Official bucket list

This will get updated as I add more and more things on here!

1. Learn how to sew and make my own blouse. (03/11)
2. Learning how to train or foster care of seeing eye dogs/rescue dogs. Need to do this with one dog. (03/11)
3. Visit all the continents. Layover doesn't count. Africa Antarctica Asia Australia Europe North America South America (03/11)
4. Volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months abroad. (03/11)
5. Swim in a shark cage. (03/11)
6. See the Northern Lights. (03/11)
7. Participate in the Tomatina fight in Spain. (03/11)
8. Do a CN Tower stair climb for charity (something I've done once and said I'd never do again). (03/11)
9. Get a makeover. Hair, makeup, attire! (03/11)
10. Picnic lunch in Paris with J. (03/11) DONE April 2011
11. Take a baking/cooking course in France. (03/11)
12. Go to Comic-Con. (03/11)

A new day

Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments, thoughts, and prayers for me.

The big news is that I still have not gotten my period. I know it could just be stressed, but I really don't think I was that stressed before the surgery. Could it be the supplements? I am going to email the naturopath today to see what she thinks, but I don't think it is.

I can not help but think about perimenopause. It is my deepest, darkest fear.

If I do not get my period by Thursday, I am going to call my doctor and she will run some more blood work.

I spent a relaxing weekend with J and the dog. I managed to keep pretty busy Saturday. I am so lucky to have such a loving, caring husband. He really did pamper me and do and say everything I could have hoped for.

What do I do when I feel sad? What can cheer me up?

Food and retail therapy.

First, I decided to throw the non-gluten, no red meat, no dairy out the window since the surgery got cancelled. We had a nice, romantic evening at our favourite Italian restaurant on Saturday night. And I had the most fantastic puff pastry for Sunday brunch at a local French bistro. It was heaven. Really.

J and I took yesterday off and we went cross border shopping. I splurged and bought some much needed clothes in my effort to update my wardrobe and incorporate more colour.

Alas, my weekend is over and I am back on my diet.

Looking forward, I am going to bury myself into doing what I need to do before my new surgery date of May 3(sorry, I got the date wrong in the last post). I also told J that we are also going to paint the house.

With a full time job, two evening courses, three volunteer event committees, and picking the paint colours... I think I am going to be busy for a while.

And I am REALLY going to lose 10 pounds before my surgery. Treadmill tomorrow morning!

Surgery cancelled

I'm supposed to be groggy and drugged up and in pain writing this blog entry to let you know things went well, and I'm on the next step of this crazy infertility journey.

Instead, my tubes live another day.

In the end, after 3.5 hours in the waiting room with my gown and booties on, the doctor came to get me. Great, I thought - let's get this show on the road!

She took us to a room and started out by saying "I have some bad news for you" and I said "Oh, someone told us already." And she said, "Someone told you the surgery has been cancelled?"

Cue the jaw drop.

Of course, I thought she was going to tell me about the BFN. Nope. No surgery for me.

J immediately handed me a Kleenex because he knew what was about to happen. I saw the doctor glance to see what he was doing. She continued on her apology that there was someone that urgently needed the surgery room early in the morning, which bumped back all the patients and bumped me OFF the list for today.

I managed to get out "OK, I understand, of course" before the tears started pouring down my face.

She said she would bump another one of her patients for me for her next surgery date... May 2nd. One month away.

I know she really felt bad. She left. I cried in J's arms.

When I left the room and went back to get dressed, the nurses were all apologetic. I'm pretty sure the doctor told them how upset I took the news. Even if they didn't, I'm sure they could see it on my face.

J and I continued to take the day off. We went and had lunch. We went to the mall hand in hand and window shopped. I called my parents and my boss to tell them the change in plans.

And so here I am, now at home, the same as when I left home this morning. It has been a roller coaster of a ride today, with the BFP expired sticks, BFN blood test, and then the cancelled surgery.

Through it all - no AF. I am pretty sure she will come tonight with a vengeance and make it a trifecta of really crappy things to happen today.

Going to nap now. Thanks for listening - it really does help to get everything out in writing.

BFN and surgery delayed

So it's a BFN for me. What I thought. J is going to toss them all out straight to the garbage can when we get home since I have tests splayed out everywhere in the bathroom.

I am OK and in still good spirits (but did you really have to so that to me, cruel world?)

The nurse just came up to me... The patient scheduled before me at 9 is just going in now. So... Delayed for two hours. Greaaaat.

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Bloodwork done and waiting

30 min until surgery. They did bloodwork so I will know for sure soon.

Just waiting. Still mentally prepared for surgery because I still think it's a false positive. If you don't hear from me for a few hours you know I'm right!

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.


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Lovely

AF has not arrived.

I only have expired pregnancy tests at home, ones that I have inherited from happy pregnant folk who needed not to POAS anymore. They are expired because we've been trying for three years.

I used my last Internet cheapie on Wednesday.

I peed on a First Response one... No lines at all (not even a control one).

I peed on another First Response one... BFN.

I peed on a Clearblue one... Positive. Two lines. BFP!

I peed on another FR... BFN.

I peed on another Clearblue... BFP.

I am in the car on the way to the hospital. I am late and stuck in traffic and holding a little Tupperware full of FMU. I'm sure once I tell them this they will do a pregnancy test. In the meantime DH will buy sone tests from the pharmacy and I'll dip and wait.

Someone has either a sense of humour or is incredibly cruel.

Remember these are all on expired tests. By three years.

Did I tell you I am late for my admitting appointment?

*sigh*




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Surgery is tomorrow

Tomorrow morning is my surgery. Good bye blocked tubes! Thanks for nothing. Feel free to let the door hit you on the way out.

I am off work for three weeks. This past week has been a whirlwind of trying to get things cleared off and ensuring my backup is trained and prepared.

I've been asked by a lot of people if I am nervous about the surgery. Nervous isn't the word I would use. I feel more anticipation. I am not looking forward to the first few days. I recall last time the anesthetic made me really nauseous (I almost hurled in the hospital lobby). This time I'm going to take a Gravol soon after I wake up once the nurses OK it.

J is off work on Friday and Monday to be my man servant, and then.... my parents will be over on Tuesday.

Yes, I broke down and told them. You may recall I had decided not to tell them about the surgery, because I knew they wouldn't be supportive.

I changed my mind when I was at their place on Saturday. When I broke the news, my mother immediately launched into her tirade on how I need to eat better/organic foods, and I broke down in tears. Like... broke DOWN. It was horrible. I was gasping for air.

The good news is that she snapped out of it and held me as I sobbed and cried like a two year old that had just stubbed her toe. Unfortunately, it took a crazy crying fit for them to realize that this is something I need to do. Plus it helped that the surgery was in a week's time and that I just sprung this on them.

It was a good bonding moment, and I think one we needed after our big fight a few weeks ago (where I also ended up in tears... see the pattern!)

Oh, and has anyone see my AF? No where to be seen. She is like clockwork, and she should have been here yesterday. I did take a pregnancy test yesterday and it was a BFN. I'm not a fool to think I am pregnant, but it's just annoying to not have her show up when I'm expecting it.

I'll try to post a quick little entry tomorrow night to let you know that I'm home.

Spoken word poetry

Today as I was browsing YouTube I happened upon a clip of a man doing spoken word. He said a line that struck a chord in me - so much so that I had to rush here to get my thoughts down.

Sometimes you have lose a part of you to find your whole self.

The poet was speaking of his battle with cancer. The piece is called "The Waiting Hour".

In exactly seven days, I will be naked on an operating table getting my tubes clipped and possibly removed. I had this surgery scheduled in April of last year, but ended up canceling it a few weeks. Why? I was scared. I was angry that this was my only course of action. I was running away from reality. I thought two years of trying unsuccessfully wasn't enough, that I needed some time, that my tubes would work if I would only just give them a second chance.

I wasn't ready to lose a part of me. I see that now.

I am no longer running away. In seven days, I will be losing a part of me but will gain a better chance that IVF will work.

If we do conceive through IVF, I will give life and gain a babe in arms. I will not lie to you. Having a baby will make me whole again.

If we do not conceive through IVF, it will be devastating BUT I know that somewhere down the road, I will come to terms with it. Maybe not on a year, or even two. But I will find myself - babe or not.

Living with infertility eats you up. I feel like my empty womb takes up 30% of my body, my mind, my soul. Regardless of the outcome, this surgery is the right step to finding myself, as a happy mother or a healed, childless woman.

FSH, and IVF cycle in the works

I talked to a nurse at the clinic today and my FSH results are in for this cycle. They are at 9, which is at the very end of the normal range.

Unfortunately, they did not test for estradiol so it's hard to interpret these FSH results without the estradiol numbers. Grrrrr.

I have also read that FSH numbers vary from month to month, but that typically you are only as good as your highest number.

This test confirms that my ovarian reserve has diminished a lot since I did my last IUI a year ago.

Oh well - moving on. The good news is that I can start my IVF cycle if I have a normal period! I calculate my day one to be around April 21. Fingers crossed that it is normal so I can get this baby show on the road!

Endometriosis Awareness Month

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month.

So many of us suffer silently. I recall a time when I had male bosses and I felt that I had to make up excuses for being away from work. I never felt comfortable telling them that I had 'girl issues', that for a few days a month I'd be away from the office because I was writhing in pain at home. The male bosses in my past would have been very supportive regardless, but it was just something I didn't want to discuss with them.

The past two bosses have been women, and they know my issues well. I am lucky that they have both been understanding - especially since my endometriosis has steadily gotten worse.

Endometriosis is the leading cause of infertility. That word has shattered my dreams. And I am not alone.

Rather than hash out all of the details of the disease for those that do not know much about it, I'll paste a few links.

Endometriosis Research Center's Endometriosis Awareness Month page
Canadian Women's Health Network's Endometriosis page
Wikipedia's Endometriosis page

And a few blog links of fellow endo sufferers.

That Girl With Endo
Life with Endometriosis and PCOS
My Journey With Endometriosis

The startings of a bucket list

I love lists. I get teased at work for having lists strewn about my desk. My to do lists have boxes beside their items, waiting for that tick mark to denote its completion.

One that I am working on right now is my bucket list. What does this does have to do with my infertility? I really feel that I have put my life on hold completely for three years. I held myself financially hostage. Every penny I spent was a penny I was taking away from an IVF cycle.

This year I've decided to break out of that, and live a little. I think it will do me some good.

I need to work on some things that I can do locally while I wait for my surgery and subsequent IVF cycle. Many of my items are travel ones, since I love to travel.

I would love to learn how to sew. I am continually inspired by some of the amazing creations that I have seen coming from a few of you readers! I think I will take sewing lessons.

I would love to learn how to train a seeing eye dog or a search and rescue dog. Or at least somehow help in that process.

My travel ones off the top of my head are:
- to go to Africa
- to volunteer with a relief organization for 6 months
- to go in a shark cage (yeah really)
- to see the Northern Lights

I have less exotic places that I would like to go see but those four stand out.

I told J that he should make a bucket list too. He refuses to call it a bucket list on the basis that it makes him think about his death. I told him to call it a list that he needs to complete before he gets too old to do them. I'm not entirely sure that thrills him either!

Right away, he mentioned learning how to fence. I found a local academy that does instruction, and so I've purchased 8 private lessons + 6 group classes for him. He is really excited. I think he thinks this will make him into a Muskateer. I will have to get him a suitable outfit.

Cutting back on supplements

I ended up getting another migraine today. It was amusing because I was organizing a luncheon for 100 at work, and I was the MOST clumsiest person ever. I was helping to serve the cake and I ended up with cake on both sleeves. I took my blazer off and two minutes later got icing on my shirt. In the boob area. :lol:

All the while I was pretty clueless and other people had to point it out. How embarrassing.

At least the pain didn't really hit until I got back to my desk. I was only suffering from the stupidity/confusion part of the migraine.

I am going to cut back one at a time my supplements to see if I can figure out which one it is. First one to toss is the choline and inositol capsule. I suspect this might be the one based on what I've read online.

I really don't think it is because of food. But I did cheat at lunch. Manicotti, and a slice of cake. Oh wheat, why do you make such tasty things? (you too cheese)

Today is Day 12 of my cycle. I know I should just give it a rest and not think about conceiving (since with my blocked tubes it is virtually impossible) but the overachiever/planner/optimist/limited intellectual in me is still saying go for it! The last time I'll be able to conceive naturally. From this point on it's $13,000 a try.

More menstrual pain?

I have been doing some more research on tubal ligation, and I was shocked to read that in some patients, there can be more menstrual pain.

Like I need that!

It's kind of amazing what I've done to my body in order to get pregnant. I have no doubt that the months of injecting hormones have escalated my endometriosis. Although recently I've been having way more good emotional days than bad ones, I will admit that my mental state sometimes is not the best.

I just have to keep telling myself that through all this pain, having my baby in my arms will be worth it.

Appointment with surgeon

I had my pre-op appointment with my surgeon yesterday. She was running 30 minutes behind, so I had some time to flip through the magazines in the waiting room. There was an ad in one of the fertility magazines for a place in Washington DC (Shady Grove Fertility Clinic) that has a donor egg program. Uhh... yeah it's expensive.

For one cycle, it's $30,500 if you want to use all of the cycle's eggs for yourself. If you share it, it would be $19,700 between two people or $17,800 between three. Egg totals = about 18. If you don't get pregnant... no refund.

Interestingly enough, you have the choice of buying 6 cycles, and if you don't get pregnant they will refund you your money back. Costs are $57,500/$42,000/$34,000.

We are so not at this stage (nor do I really think given the costs we would entertain this) but it is good information to know.

The appointment itself was good - my surgeon is great, and is part of the same fertility clinic as my doctor. The only reason why my doctor is not doing it is because we want to do the surgery ASAP and her colleague has some surgery time open. We discussed not doing anything else but the tubes, but she said that she may have to do some stuff to get at the tubes. She also asked if it wouldn't affect ovarian reserve, if she could remove the tubes and I said yes (since if we just leave the tubes in there, that horrible toxic fluid is still in my body).

The other bit of news that came out of my appointment is that she confirmed she would want me to have one cycle before I do IVF. Since I will be on or about my Day 2... I wonder if this means I need to wait another full cycle, or if I can start and the end of the current one? I will call and ask.

I requested that they do another FSH test on this cycle's Day 3. I haven't heard the results yet. I really really hope that the other test was a fluke, and that my levels are normal!